hydeist

2008-10-16T01:12:00.001-04:00

testing testing hello.

I think I might have this :|

2008-03-26T12:46:00.000-04:00

I bet everyone's thinking: You're just feeling sorry for yourself, it's out of your own incompetence that you cannot wake up early and sleep early.
I can wake up early, I just don't function coherently or efficiently until its 10 or 11am, and I still go to sleep around the same late time like 3am even if I woke up at 6am. I just don't feel tired when it hits midnight. In fact, when it gets dark, its like a brand new day.
I'm one of the only ones who sleep in class consistently in the mornings, and I feel like the worst crap ever whenever it happens. Does nothing for my self-esteem, really. What is it exactly that I'm lacking in the mornings? Food? Coffee doesn't help a single bit, I've noticed, because I fall asleep anyway.

Check this wiki article out, because as much as I'd hate to say this, I identify with it almost word for word.
Circadian rhythm disorder

It makes me hopeful that I might feel better about myself.
I'm not embarrassed by telling anybody how I have a serious lack of self-esteem, which I feel is kind of a paradox in itself.

smoke-filled corridors

2008-02-08T01:56:00.000-05:00

I deal with stress and anxiety and anger by doing chores. Cleaning, wiping, OCD rearranging, cooking - I find myself cooking a complete meal the night before my worst exam.

Now I feel like I could build a fucking house.
Quick, send me to wherever they need volunteers. On the double.

So everything's OK because these red lines and dead skin under my nails tell me it will fade, like all pain will with time.

sigh

2008-01-16T08:29:00.001-05:00

its happening again.

what I said I didn't want to happen again.
sometimes I wonder if it was like that from the start.
and as usual I have too much pride
I'm stubborn and selfish
I don't look or seem like the kind who has problems expressing myself.
I can type it out perfectly fine.
but actually saying it is difficult
I wonder, if its because it makes it all too real

I probably never really believed myself.
I wonder if I've ever felt anything since a long time ago
its cold inside here
where I think

if everyone demanded as much attention back from me, I would probably have no friends left.
and nope,
I really don't open up to people.

not at all.
there are a million things I might have to say
but silence is much easier
writing in circles
unraveling myself

when I finally have enough courage
no one's listening anymore

THUNDERSTORM.

2008-01-09T00:35:00.001-05:00

I am INSANELY HAPPY.

how can someone ever miss the rumble of thunder so damn much?

It is a sweet, sensual, sultry growl.

oh, sexy.
absolutely.

-*

mmm.

2008-01-07T12:56:00.001-05:00

winter break. school.
again!

mildy dissatisfied with math 215 being my only proper A, and human anat, biochem, physical chem A-'s... sometimes I think we ought to believe in A+'s if they were worth more points to my GPA. what is this. am I being too unreasonable with my expectations of myself? I really wonder about my "education", and what I'm actually getting out of it, whether I'm making this worthwhile always, and what I want out of it. have I been taking too many chill pills or have I been a stress junkie? I do some insanely stupid things at the most inappropriate times really, and I wonder what they say about me. not very smart and wise.

class in five minutes, but there's always michigan time and today my LCD monitor is coming so I can stop hunching over my desk and improve my posture. If it can be changed from all these years of lack of self confidence and whatnot. something about being unappreciative of my height. brick me now!

did I mention, idolizing pretty boys is a very dangerous hobby. VERY VERY DANGER. sigh~

-*

m&m's are running out

2007-12-12T01:36:00.000-05:00

I hate myself.

for lacking in self-control.
HELLO MIN. WHAT DID YOU COME ALL THE WAY TO THE USA FOR?
because you wanted to learn some "life lessons?"

comfort zones and maturity, bullshit.

...

just a little bit more, dinner break's over already, still a little bit more... girl, you did psych before how can you make such excuses to yourself while you know when you are making excuses to try and rationalize your irrational behavior?

but seriously, I have been falling in all sorts of ways these days. falling. unhealthy obsessions and choices.

...

too much CRACK. pin. pikame. WHATEVER. stupidfanfictionhasmeinitsgripsagain. afterafewyearsofkeepingawaysoiwouldn'tindulgeinsuchfantasies
but somehow, I seek creative comfort. comfort in the imaginary - simply because it can't hurt me. I am always torn, two-faced [characteristics of the twins? or does it simply sound cheesy], flighty, restless... what should I do with myself?

~~stupidJEgaypr0nangst~~
crack: endorphins, sugar, caffeine.
unbelievably listening to ~~NEWS~~jpop and not feeling like throwing up.
listening to old playlists and suddenly knowing the reason why I detest nostalgia - because it makes me insecure of the Present. I want to live in the Present, but knowing myself, I live too much in the Past. but if there wasn't a Past I'd be empty. believing, where does that come in?

half-filled vessels make the most noise.
BACK TO WORK, bitch.

I hate to admit it, but techno sounds pretty damn interesting music at times. or maybe you can call it lounge. IDK. IDC. laskdjaslkdjasda *key smash*

-*

of all things, why johnny's?

2007-12-06T02:33:00.000-05:00

now I understand that -dokidoki- seeminglyretardedsounding emotion that fangirls use in all their raaavvvingggg comments on crunchyroll.

I need a nosebleed.
and I think, wtf, I'm a girl, only guys nosebleed in mangas and animes, dammit. hence The Great Age of The Fangirl has arrived! I hate to admit it, but I think I've been screwed over by fangirldom, officially. Why? Because I have sunk as low as Johnny Juniors. ARGHHHHHHHH.

they can't dance.
they can't sing.
they lip sync.

they make me feel like I just defiled innocent children with my eyes. [perhaps not so innocent after being voluntarily manipulated into stardom by Johnny] ARGHHH the piddo guilt. not. I am tehhhhhh-amazed at how this big cooperation sells prettiness; pretty-boy-ness. they have absolutely no other value except for their baby-faced kawaii looks and the over-enthusiastic but smexy dance smooves when they try to act like they aren't kids. I stand amazed at the entertainment industry.

matsumoto jun.
ikuta toma.
yamapi.

hook,
line,
and
sinker.

OK.
enough.
no more, no more, NO MORE!!!

concentrate.
finals!!!
finals!!!
FINALS!!!

to repeat everything thrice, I must be desperate. pretty much. very.
study my ass off, then visit the boyfriend in NY for a newyorkie winter.

-*

what will be the death of me?

2007-11-15T15:13:00.000-05:00

according to the interviewer, perfectionism is a
terrible flaw.

*stabs self*

*revives*
stupidchattytalk. oh well, I think its the iced raspberry white mocha talking through my fingers. I suspect that would be the death of me instead, by busting through my waistline. right. can't that fat just attach itself to something more flattering? damn vanity. oh well!

for experience, I definitely need to think of more things to say before an interview, to make myself feel better instead of doing that bit of shifty eyes. hope that didn't leave a bad impression, but I remembered to breathe and talk slowly and articulate my words correctly... surely I felt more nervous for my English O level oral exams than this... look them in the eyes... engage the examiner... sigh.

I miss Miss Ong.
old dreams and wise words.
so where am I standing in life now?

because I said to myself I need more introspection.

2007-11-13T23:43:00.001-05:00

hmmm

number one way to make myself feel better when I have a headache.

drink cold milk with coffee.

ding.

caffiene.

gnarghhhgnarrrghhhgnarrrghhhh.
I need to stop procrastinating!
I have a flaw, and that is not being able to feel the urgency when I need to...
also known as too damn much procrastination and not enough self control.

erks. well. I did something funny to my creaturetwo subwoofer - I tied my red bandana around it burgler-style. you know, when you read doraemon they occasionally have these snoops with a bandana over their face. I wonder how they do it in real life. it hangs across the ears and the nose? great way to keep my spectacles un-lost... the pig the-boyfriend gave me to function as a specs holder is absolutely of no use *stabs* on the other hand, sheepiggy is a great comfort at night...

random deviations and tangent planes. hur.

-*

reference.

2007-11-13T01:17:00.001-05:00

meh.
this is obviously for my own reference and makes no sense to anyone else, but a blog seems awfully convenient to store stuff like lyrics. haha

oh well!
name amuro's Space of Hip Hop 05 concert tracklist:

Tracklist:
01. OPENING
02 Queen of Hip-Pop
03. WANT, WANT ME
04. WoWa
05. I Wanna Show You My Love
06. GIRL TALK
07. the SPEED STAR
08. My Darling
09. Ups & Downs
10. Violet Sauce
11. ALL FOR YOU
12. Don't wanna cry
13. ALARM
14. Body feels EXIT
15. shine more
16. SO CRAZY
17. LOVE 2000
18. Introducing the Band
19. You're my sunshine
20. Chase the Chance
21. Say the word
22. No
23. Put 'Em Up
24. CAN YOU CELEBRATE
25. White Light
26. Introducing the Dancers
27. I Love You
28. ENDING

i really do like singers who look and sound so... er... i sing for myself and everyone else out there kind of feeling. oh well!

dreaming I was dreaming

2007-11-10T17:48:00.000-05:00

http://annimin.mypersonality.info/

somethings don't change so much over time, eh.

ermm... here I am on a bad day.

2007-11-08T01:07:00.000-05:00

oh dear I love dark chocolate m&ms.
I'm hoarding candy.
I'm such a glutton. *stresses out*
I don't want to kill my neurons faster than they have to die!!!
I want my muscle cells to become saintly and regenerate on their own!
please don't atrophy on me!
don't give me negative entropy or Gibbing around, please.
and what the FUCK is this math??? F-dot-deeARR you!!!

-geeks out-

hyding

2007-11-08T00:18:00.000-05:00

the seems like the coolest person on teh web ever. megchan!

horizon

I yearn for the distant other side of the mirage
My cracked heart is longing so much it hurts

If I were held as if in a cradle
I wouldn't need anything else

Next thing I realized, I was in an endless desert
My torn mind screamed
I look up, my eyes seeking the sky
And shoot the bright arrows til the last one is gone

If I happened upon calm days
I'd like to awaken and think, "It was all a dream"

How long have I waited for you?
There's nothing left here but pain

The light's so bright it hurts my eyes
My frozen heart is burning
I look up, my eyes seeking the sky
And shoot the bright arrows til the last one is gone

Pierced...
Trailing barbed wire that twines around me the more I struggle
I grasp tomorrow

Horizons rise here in my eyes
A sound of silence calls
But in my heart, a distant hope
Is mine forever more
I look up, my eyes seeking the sky
Shoot the bright arrows til the last one is gone!

fallbreak

2007-10-16T16:05:00.000-04:00

Fall Break 07 was so fabulous it hurt to go home to silence.
It was well deserved after a week of stress and frying my brains to fritter.

destination Upper Peninsula, Michigama!

all that fun doing random shots and videos, scandalizing each other by posing for couple shots laughing our heads off at so many random things, eating a hell lot of fudge and pancakes and whitefish.

lying on the ground for heck
jumping in the air repeatedly
shadow play and body bending
ten-second camera shuttle runs!
shan zha of pacman and a hungry mouth
watching michigan vs purdue w a random michigan stranger
lots of fudge
rocking along in the car
dried mud paint ._.
pretend emo momos
hiding inconspicuously behind trees
punches coming out of the air
due to posing couple shots
running in circles on the beach
disappearing into the bush and reappearing
cloudy sunset
driving into the darkness
haunted house in the forest and unlocked offices
budget motels and hearing strange noises from the shower like AHHH and WHOA
someone's 歪头 and random laughter when everyone was about to fall asleep
car plates and sixth toes, siao liao!
rocking to the music on the car
random old songs with weird lyrics
dogpatch breakfast - steaks and blueberry pancakes
whitefish cravings and bluecheese salads

resolution

2007-09-29T16:42:00.000-04:00

stuff like facebook can ruin your reputation, i think.
some rather obvious thoughts about such social networks. it must be tough to present such a perfect face for yourself on a webpage, cautiously picked photos that show only your best angle, and have other people post photos of you dead puke drunk at a party or something, or some unglam shot directed up your nose.

quite fascinating, from some gossip point of view.

well, I'm armed with a camera now. baby canon powershot ELPH. elf. I shall go ahead and personalize it by sticking those green stars I bought so long ago from I-forgot-where. now I need some art glue.

but I doubt I'd be putting up any unglam photos anytime soon. at least not of other people.

-*

wind of gold

2007-09-16T00:58:00.000-04:00

laruku wan sui! :3

oh well. ob-vious-ly been watching too many larc concert videos recently.
their 15th anniversary one at tokyo dome was ab-so-lutely SMASHING tho because they sang so many of their good old songs and I decided I really love their music through and through. (is that how you phrase it?) anyway, hyde's voice just drives me crazy, and tetsu and ken and yuki rock the rest of my world. (not much left after hyde has done his job)

and I se-rious-ly miss band. ROAR.
all the good times playing emo songs like fates, mononoke and the chosen...

michigan TRASHED notre dame today! woohooo. thirty-eight to notre-ing. wahaha.
hope I make michigan pops. or I'm going to be so deprived of band, ever >_<

-*

..

2007-09-08T15:22:00.001-04:00

something really really hurts somewhere inside.
head full of convoluted and self-destructive thoughts
nothing i do, nothing i eat, nothing i drink
makes it go away

so, priorities?
this is how little i believed in the L word, if i had ever believed in it to begin with, and the fact is i never did.

let the music wash it away.
-*

.

2007-09-08T03:14:00.000-04:00

i wonder if i hate you now
since i'm so sick and tired of crying
because of the things you said

...

-*

love!

2007-07-15T13:59:00.000-04:00

It has been 6 months! What? wtf?

This is what I missed most about Singapore.

1. The weather
Hot and humid at times, but surely I don't mind the wet --- especially when I am snugly in my bed at home, or feeling the wet wind blow across my face as I sit by the window and rest my chin on the window grille. Window panes wide open with a thunderstorm going on outside.
bam! the forceful assault of thunder and lightning on my sense.
ooo baby, it's simply t h r i l l i n g.

2. Smell of the dust and earth and rain
b o m b a s t i c a l l y - head-spinning endorphins!
let's go running in the rain ;p

3. Guilt-free indulgence of ice cream
Knowing that the hot weather will take the guilt right of your skin the next time you take a walk in afternoon! Chill, babes!

4. Clubbing and drinking legally
bloody stupid americans.

5. Friends, friends, and more friends!
some people, you click. some people, you just don't.

-*

random mood swing #1

2007-07-02T11:48:00.000-04:00

it's the feeling of:
you're surrounded by people
but yet you are still alone

I've forgotten how friends understand each other
be open and tolerate each other
I think I've found something, someone important
and it makes me wonder if I threw away the rest

I ache to feel burning, raging fury
for the simple easy way of feeling
alive
its cheating

twisted and mangled, thoughts on an empty stomach
about confidence, poise and feminity
about stereotypes and being selectively open-minded
is it fair? it is not. but isn't it something called life?
must we give in? no, that's too easy.
nothing is nothing without a fight.
what do we do, in this struggle to validate our existence
we depend on others, we want people to look at us,
notice us and praise us to make us feel good about ourselves
I just wonder why.

perhaps I should write.

oh well. time for bed.
*rubs eyes*

-*

twiddle me thumbs

2007-06-30T11:31:00.000-04:00

Dear Blog,

Yay. It has been quite awhile since I came back to Singapore, nearly 2 months :) Many things have happened but life still seems boring occasionally. Especially when I itch for things to do. And strangely, I still write blogs in my head, when I'm walking home late at night. Of the good, bad and strange things that has happened, and of people and how they behaved and what they said.

Oh, customer service is ever pleasantly horrid in Singapore. but sometimes there are nice cute guys who explain things to you even if you don't buy the sports shoes, although for every nice guy there seems to be two grouchy salesgirls who follow you around and glare at you for not buying the product off them (or afraid I'll turn and run with it). seriously. old aunty salesgirls are not to be trusted because you look good in all their clothes anyhoo and have the best figure ever. SO, you can tell I've been shopping a wee bit too much and I am hence, BROKE.

Observational Learning Attachment at some-hospital-for-goodness-sake is like... "..." after a while. Sometimes the monotony gets to me and I forget that I wanted the experience in the first place. And how to be grateful. Am I not inquisitive and curious enough so much so that I am bored? Or is a pharmacists job so... boring? Or is it working that is boring? Is it because I have no skills I can apply and nothing my level that I can learn so I am bored, or everyone is too busy to care in the outpatient pharmacy? (I hope it is the latter, and I hope I used this phrase right) I'm so bored I find things to do (that people are actually being paid to do) and I end up so tired at the end of the day: so, would I rather be bored or tired? Too tired to be bored, I suspect. I miss the nice people in inpatient pharmacy, I had rather liked going on rounds and seeing the pharmacists talk to patients who are sometimes just raring to be off and home.

My life has been a bit different since MC went to new york. In what way, I wonder. It feels more empty, random little hollow holes, and I find myself thinking about him, or rather, the lack of him, quite often. At least it's a more technologically advanced society now, I can't imagine myself like my mom, waiting for my dad's letter in the mail. Lucky us, instant email and webcamming shoos all the emo-blues away! But I wonder what made those old relationships last, and I feel some respect. I also have more time to think about my own life, and to reflect what I've done, and ponder what I am going to do.

I have also recently been wondering about friends. friendships. relationships with people, what are they based on? similar interests? being able to click, pieces of a puzzle? being able to share fears and listen to each other? why am I your friend and why are you mine? I can't seem to bring myself to say what I think honestly to someone I thought I was close to all these years. But yet some friendships never change even with the bare minimum contact we've had over the past year. I wonder if it is possible suddenly feel like I've never had a real friendship with somebody all along. Not being able to share honestly what is on my mind, not bothering to share, thinking the other person would not listen anyway. so what if I tend to be more introverted, and all I do is listen to another talk about herself all the time?
what is a friend's responsibility to another friend? to get smashed when you made an appointment with a friend the following day? to agree to a time to meet when you know you probably won't make it? am I being petty, or have I just had enough of you? when I went overseas all that mattered to you was that you had one less person to pour your troubles to and what I can buy for you since I am here. what is sincerity behind a pair of dark shades and ear buds full of music? so awkward that we have nothing to say, two people who used to be friends, and all you do is run while I keep my silence in my own escape. and these words behind the scenes. and the trust begins to fall apart.
and I suddenly feel angry at people who made me guilty because you celebrated my birthday for me, cooked for me, paid for my drinks, and I brought you nothing from america? I really appreciate what you did for me, but if this is way its going to be, it isn't real. (I can say, I didn't ask for it! So I said thanks, and should I be saying sorry?) perhaps I'm being selfish, and I am not saying I won't do anything for you in return, but just buying people things for the sake of it being from america makes no bloody difference to the friendship whatsoever. I want to let you know, I don't care what you think about it, and I'm not trying to make excuses (what for?) nor that I don't about you as a person, I just believe in getting practical presents for people when I see something I think is right for them. (What use are presents that just take up space?) and yet I still love you for all that you bothered to do for me when I was barely close to you, barely your friend back in JC. what am I to think? or am I just thinking too much, were you just joking, or am I angry that you said such a thing in front of so many people?

since I am 20, why am I STILL SO ANGSTY?

haha. for recent updates and random words to people.
I don't want people to read my blog and tell me "I understand you." that is that last thing I want to hear, I don't enjoy the idea of someone living my life through my blog. in my honest opinion, virtual friendships can only go so far without seeing each other face to face and spending time together. I blog, because I need to write, and sort incoherent thoughts into categories, muse, reflect, and feel ashamed. (like why people read mine when I don't bother reading theirs--where's my etiquette?)

Been everywhere with a book recently. Yays to reading on buses and while walking. and nearly killing myself with gripless favourite blue slippers. Cheers to Gaiman and Pratchett.

Cheers to meeting up with random friends and doing random things.
more to come I hope. I read First magazine and I have a list of movies I want to watch in theatres (and I realize I am broke, yea?)

0. The Girl Who Leapt Through Time (NOW! I mean NOW!)
1. Harry Potter (Duh.)
2. Paprika (watched it on crunchy roll cause I couldn't wait. now I can't resist)
3. Transformers (for the sake of trying to understand why guys love it-hey I had em toys TOO)
4. My wife is a gangster 3 (because I need some comedy)
5. Cashback (cause it sounded so hilarious.)
6. Poltergay (lol)

for the fangirl in me: Gackt has joined the list of seriously cute japanese musicians who have made me laugh out loud sitting right here at my computer. oh god, the atrociousness of it! and I wonder why. mmmm, vanilla. HAHA. I just can't take it anymore, I have started gackting after all that hyding. oh, dear.
the list as follows for my own fun and joy:
1. hyde
2. tetsu
3. hyde
4. yuki
5. gackt

Now, I'm just half-listening to gackt songs, and really happy cos he likes the thing I made for him, and that silly boy has got his hands all over the iPhone at newyork. and I have a transformers poster I can send to him! :D Tomorrow, or later, I have pilates lessons to sign up for, and a job to hunt for.

owari~
-*

2007-06-17T01:40:00.000-04:00

ah so exciting. just called up the freshies, only 3 out of 7 picked up the phone.
oh well!!!

exciting days.weeks and days are seriously flying by like crazy, even though my isn't that horrendously exciting per se. its enough to make my parents and granny nag like crazy already. imagine if I told them what I did in the USA. HAHA. oh dear.

I need cash. because I've been shopping and a bit of a shoe-whore. just catching up on all the past shopping that I never got around to doing while I was in Singapore! still need more decent shirts to fill up that wardrobe.

ahhh MC's leaving in three day. booooo.
deal, girl, deal!

gorgeousity

2007-05-31T11:03:00.000-04:00

its just gorgeous to be a girl, a woman, whether you are single, married, attached, pregnant, widowed, or what, promiscuous.

currently I'm in a mood.
a mood.
one in which I begin to hate people one by one, slowly adding to the numbers, listing their faults, and ending up hating everyone... then I start thinking about the excepts - except my family, except my somebody, except my good friend, except my this other friend... yea.

it ends up with me hating nobody, really, but myself.
and being biologically a woman.
because I HATE PMS!!!

sometimes I hate men because being a woman seems so much harder than being a man - damned patriarchal society - yet women like to be pampered by men, made to feel secure snuggling in their arms, all this while men think -whatever- in their minds (haha what?)

random ramblings, only the tip of the iceberg on the thoughts I have about girls and boys, the birds and the bees, feminism, feminity and masculinity - why do humans have to think?

...

oh well.
on a good note, I had a TERRIFIC birthday. I may have gone to work and went back home for dinner on my birthday, but I still managed to celebrate with people who mean much to me. so much. I don't understand how, but the celebrations lasted a week!!! a WEEK! I am touched. I suddenly realized that I have many friends - many different, mutually exclusive groups of friends - and I'm glad. I've spent a good week with good people who were so willing to give, even though I think I've never done anything much for them. so I must learn to give.

It's amazing to me, because I am horrible with other people's birthdays, and as for presents, I never give them on time - because I believe in being able to give a real, sincere present that I think will suit them based on what I know of them (so therefore I never get things for people I hardly know...) and why the HECK should I restrict present giving to birthdays?! (just like, love and chocolate giving on v-day?) so... therefore.

THANKYOU.
THANKYOU.
THANKYOU.
I had a good one.

great shopping, food, sushi and music ;p

now all thats "left" is to meet with novella and dX.
woots.
to bed, to work tomorrow.

lots of love!

(see how the mood swings?!)

-*

home.

2007-05-24T13:48:00.000-04:00

020507
yes, I've been home for a while. HOME! glorious. I've talked to many people, walked around quite a little, and I've forgotten totally what was the excuse for me to do some self-exhibition on this blog. perhaps some other day I'll grumble a little about how silly I feel, blogging, spewing words... and the people who read it, I don't really care about? so why do some of them care?

and, bloody hell, WHY is singapore so HOT?!
jetlag was nothing but a really good night of sleep (omg 3pm can :3) in the face of my nocturnal habits. as usual. and now I realize I'm quite glad to be on the same clock as some friends. it makes chatting on msn, even, so much less strange. I guess I like to share the same night sky as yours. (I've got TWO copies of 8-bit. long story.)

hokay, on with the reminisicing. whip out your silly fake glasses and pretend you're listening. plane rides take alone are good for some self reflection, away from certain circumstantial evils called the internet and socializing. ok, it was BORING. and I didn't even manage half of Neil Gaiman's American Gods. (hard book to read quickly, that one) Thus, coming to a proper conclusion, all prim and dandy, of my first year at Michigan: I really need to get away and do my own things more, and know more people. (Fine, you American!) I must know what I want. And this time, I don't want to just make it through University with the grades, with late night studying and uncertain motivations, and not knowing anyone as a true friend at all. (well, they did say your best friends will be those from secondary school, but who's to keep you from trying?)

also, why was studying so stressful? who said uni was easier than JC? imma kill him/her. oh hod, the self-discipline makes me want to cut myself. along the arm, thank you. but no. random spewing of gibberish would suffice. I must say I'm quite glad to be back home, but I am not glad to have nothing to do either, after letting my family see enough of my face for two weeks.

it is SO GOOD to be home, eating my granny's home-cooked food. nope, I didn't chiong for famous Singaporean foods, probably because I never had them often anyway... I love my granny, her cooking, her worrying, her. She's the person I missed the most. It's funny how your family sends you overseas, all alone, and doesn't know what the hell you are doing over there, and THEN - nag like crazy when you stay out till 12midnight. oh the PERILS of being a girl in Singapore. funny how family works, eh? it warms you up a great deal, but it annoys the hell out of you too.

050507
the first friends I met after I got back would be the rjcsb05 people - 050505 anniversary on 050507 was the greatest day ever, in such a long, long time. some people don't ever change, and some of it I am glad for, some of it... well. I still react the same way for - give the damn stupid boys a goddam slap. we had a hilarious time at the zoo not with animals but fellow humans, and a sweet night of drinking games (where we drank barely any alcohol for the goodness of us all)

110507
SYF'07 for rjcsb was... I don't know... but I know Mr. Oura and the band did a great job. and I know that the music still keeps me alive, the firey passion still burns under this cool skin. to us, the tension is tangible, and we still feel.
120507
I joined the flute boys and some geeks for lunch - our "non-capitalist outing" where they spent >$50 on ingredients and drinks. wonderful. we made our own calamari, fries, tacos and sandwiches and were very happy. we gossiped (guys are THE WORST) a little and watched random youtube vids. yuan de and paul are coming to michigan :3 and I am so not going to let them freeload, thank you very much.

160507
ON TO DA GIRLS!!!
ladies night we pounded clark quay! oh not really. not much you can pound with a couple of heels, uber light, tiny girls (hell not me), except perverting some toes, I guess? we had some satay to start the night, and we tried to figure out where in the world is Amsterdam? (and had an angmoh laugh at us. xx, good job.) don't ever go MOS or Clinic unless its free, or you can claim your FIVE free drinks, or Geographers if you wanna stay sane. Aticca is the BEST . birthday champagne for karen-chan, and great music to let your body go wild to. I would go back there, but perhaps not so soon, because, clubbing is tiring >_<

smile! me karen qy xx~
we chilled out, took lots of stupid photos (which karen still have NOT sent us) lounging around at kandibar. xx's nice haircut/dye is stupendously amazingly tri-coloured. makes me horribly envious and willing to subject my poor dry hair to more weird chemicals. for free.

I also met some people I don't know what to say to them - it's awkward, and in the end, nothing happens. And they never knew who I was, because I wouldn't have let them known, in that world of strange motivations and benevolences.

alright, sensible blog post ends here.

-*

random musings

170507
phantom of the opera! thai express ain't express.

190507
timbre~ with E.I.C. Mr. siva is pretty cool :) rock music, not overwhelming, boring long island tea, pretty good company of dajie, stitch and DW. meiji low-fat (o rly?) chocolate and coffee milk was gooooooood X)

200507
Zouk flea market! why do people need to fuckin' smoke INDOORS? seriously? even when you are shoulder to shoulder with others? t<_< why are people so frickin' ridiculous?

210507
wildwildwet and lounging around~ plus some wind-warping alternative Evangelion ending session with mc.

240507
shopping shopping shopping :3 pirates of the carribean 3 was funny. seriously bollocks!!! I hope the first 2 are like that too, so I can be stupid for a day when I watch them... but orlando bloom is... pweetty. so was that little boy who had the piece of eight. so pretty.

250507
back to RJC!

anger

2007-05-11T09:03:00.000-04:00

ADfjAKDS:FjhasLFDKhs/dljgfkhs/ldkfhASLKD:hf
ANGRYYYYYYYYYYYYY
RAWRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
JEALOUSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
RAWRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
like, NO NO NO NO NO NO
I don't wanna share :(
I've been a single child for 5 years and so there
RAWRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
I WANT MY OWN ROOM BACK
I WANT MY OWN BED BACK
RAWRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
MOVE THE DAMN BUNK BED BY YOURSELF
ANGRY ANGRY ANGRY
SELFISH SELFISH SELFISHHHHH
RAWRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!

like, blek. *annoyed*
I know I shouldn't be, or that I should just, you know, be the @#$@#$ elder sibling and accept it and stop attempting to throw a bloody temtrum. I'm tempted to, but how bloody old am I??? silly childish thoughts.
*intense glare*

(the blog withers)

-*

bubbles

2007-04-25T00:51:00.000-04:00

being afraid of the "real world".

blek >=|

why the heck does it sound wrong?! make something? :> don't mierda me la!!! or I won't show you the reamusxsirius smut I found... oops [perhaps you found it already dang ]

I'm done with my exams :) just writing my cover letter and trying not be to be such a bloody perfectionist and take it as a stepping stop. hope I get a summer job or something or I'll just be an aimless useless bum again!!! well this time, do some volunteer work, get my hand dirrrrty... xD

oh rawr

2007-04-16T11:51:00.000-04:00

yay, sun.

I've just resceduled my flight for the 30th of April! so I'll be back in singapore on the 2nd of MAy, Wednesday morning in the wee wee hours. wee wee!!! omg, so bloody act cute. but anyway. I'm probably one of the latest freshmen (no more!) who ain't staying for spring school going back. hola, but I wonder if Bill Clinton would be interesting at the graduation ceremony. hmmmm.

yes, the weather is so much warmer! and I want to get my hands on more band music.
today is my psych final. hopefully I'll scrape an A, I never imagined I'll just want to barely-get-an-A (used to be barely-pass) instead of like, hey, i wanna pwn you upside down! but oh well. I foresee lots of studying chemistry and genetics. more stockwell chocolate-driven study sessions with the girls and one matthew and perhaps some dead-quiet-law-library-nights. it is an interestingly and clashing modern library feel in the midst of all the harry potter architecture. it makes me wish I was a law student. tho not really, since novella and puiman are taking law. like goodness ME. why am I doing biochemistry?!

stomach's a bit wierd. always h-u-n-g-r-y :( and getting fat and flabby. why do asian women have to be pear shaped? ~~get more FATS! into the mammary glands plis.~~why am I saying all this? cos I'm ~~hungry~~ bored. time for chemistry lecture, and silly old retro songs that treaten to jiggle a little :)

-*

and this is pride

2007-04-15T21:33:00.000-04:00

do I hear screaming in jericho? someone please answer me -goosebumps-

and this is what I call pride.
year 2007 - four years since that glorious 2003!
people may have laughed at us, we may have even doubted ourselves, I may not know my distant juniors, but this is not proof -

this is pride.

cheers for nycb!

we are the music while the music lasts

and finally, I miss band from the inside.
the music, the people, the spirit :)

surprise, surprise.

2007-03-27T04:04:00.000-04:00

the wonders of being caffeinated and stressed out over writing english essays.

i have just owned mc in tetris. bwuahahahahhahahaa!!!
sweet dreams!!! :3

aching and aching and trying to sort through my befuddled mind for how to conclude.
sigh.

otherwise, life is good. the weather is fantastic.
dorm food still sucks, but who cares.

two weeks of sheer hell ahead!
heads up, smile.

-*

colours

2007-03-23T23:58:00.000-04:00

spring smells good.
the air smells of rain, it smells of the earth and spice of life.

ah, and time is wasting while I live the life of a "good" student.
I do miss JC life. sounds of guitars, studying out in the open air, invisible fish!
I want to sit in the damp night air and chill.

oh well. I shall try to look forward to tomorrow, tomorrow and tomorrow.
it never does truly end.

tomorrow freshies are having chill out ice cream session and I'm excited.
and so many thing to do. bleh...

sigh.
heads up, smile.

oh, freak.

2007-03-18T20:50:00.000-04:00

meh, koopheee cat.

nutty nuts

2007-03-09T16:40:00.000-05:00

spending a moment to sitting here with my back against this cold wall, looking out at the diag from mason hall, I observed a white-haired woman throw nuts to the squirrels.
now I know how they got so damn fat.
and so horribly cute.
ahhhhhhh. them lure of the squirrels. sneaky cute things.
it made me have one of those random stupid moments - I wanna hug that squirrel.
like, whatever?

why do I care?

2007-03-08T09:23:00.000-05:00

picked up a meme from a friend.

1. What is your occupation?
student ._.

2. Do you like banana sandwiches?

perhaps with peanut butter. or without the bread.

3. What are you listening to right now?
Up To You - Luna Sea

4. What was the last thing you ate?
drank some apple juice. does it count?

5. Do you wish on stars?
I wish I could get on them. maybe. I usually think they are so pretty amazing I forget about wishing most of the time.

6. If you were a crayon, what color would you be?
red.

7. How is the weather right now?
I hope its still clear.

8. Last person you spoke to on the phone?
mc.

9. Do you like the person who sent this to you?
oh hell yea. enough to rip it off her blog.

10. How old are you today?
19. still.

12. Favorite sport to watch?
pretty hyde dancing behind the mic?

13. Have you ever dyed your hair?
yep. twice.

14. Do you wear contacts or glasses?
contacts.

15. Pets?
I had rabbits.

16. Favorite month?
May.

17. Favorite food?
erm. don't know. I like fish.

18. What was the last movie you watched?
Stranger Than Fiction. I think. it's been a while

19. Favorite day of the year?
none.

20. What do you do to vent anger?
bite someone. something. sometimes cry.

21. What was your favorite toy as a child?
toys... I destroyed Barbies out of sheer boredom. perhaps my rollerblades.

22. Fall or Spring?
Spring.

23. Hugs or kisses?
snuggles, rather. ok, hugs.

24. Cherry or Blueberry?
strawberries dipped in chocolate please.

25. Do you want your friends to email you back?
I might need to mail them in the first place.

26. Who is most likely to respond?
do you care?

27. Who is least likely to respond?
do I care??

28. Living arrangements?
close to the ceiling.

29. When was the last time you cried?
yesterday reading an essay a classmate wrote.

30. What is on the floor of your closet?
perhaps a rainbow scarf.

you don't want to know what's on the floor of the real one, do you?

31. Who is the friend you have had the longest?
karen chan sum yee you stupid bitch!!! <3>

32. What did you do last night?
peer critique essays. shut up, my life IS boring.

33. What are you afraid of?
fear. sloth. procrastination.

35. Plain, cheese or spicy hamburgers?
cheese. do you care???

36. Favorite car?
a chocolate one I could eat. puh-lease. not into cars.

37. Favorite dog breed?
I like cats. okok. I hate terriers. what did you say? fine. those golden thingies.

38. Number of keys on your key ring?
not enough for a Kingdom. three.

39. How many years at your current job?
-shrugs-

40. Favorite day of the week?
saturday.

41. How many states/provinces have you lived in?
just michigan. and guangzhou. I think.

42. How many cities have you lived in?
what?!? babies can't count.

why do I care?

maybe cos I'm bored.

smexy hyde croons from my wallpaper.

*swoons*

happy belated birthday. I promise to get you some St. Pats Day paraphernalia. go green.

apple juice

2007-03-05T17:21:00.000-05:00

I notice that this blog has become yet another blog that I only bother to vent my angst on when I'm feeling like crap and I don't know why. usually pms. haha.

oh well. I'm not depressed, or angsty all the damn time. just because my blog might be. hopefully, I will bother to write more happy stuff. I'm not too inspired to type out my thoughts, chronicle my life story, even though I believe it would be a good thing if I kept a diary. but certainly not a virtual one.

another angsty post up for grabs! not really bah?

its two months more till I go back to singapore, six months since I've arrived here in ann arbor. freshman year is almost over. the year seems shorter than usual, and JC seems a looonggg way back. weeks of morning classes that I doze in are non existent! which is probably a good sign if I would stop SLEEPING in that goddamned genetics class. biology still gets me.

ok. my point is. IT'S BEEN SO LONG SINCE I GOT HERE!!!
I have met many people left right center, gone to many different places, spent alot of money T_T that was not mine, taken classes of crazy and boring stuff, hell yea.
what friendships have I made that I am really happy for?
what things have happened that I really did learn from?
what are the things I have that I should but am not grateful for?

mmm.

-*

rawR

2007-02-24T11:39:00.000-05:00

this is what I hate to the damn core about new blogger - having to type my WHOLE email address in order to sign in. like, what the fuck, mate? what the hell is wrong with you? <_< no seriously, little things like this I just don't get. perhaps I just hate change.

angry angry angry but I shouldn't be so angry. bah~

I should be glad, grateful and everything sensible. but I'm not. and this blog is just where I take it all out, that childish, ignorant edge. where I wish it would all go away, but it doesn't, instead solidifying itself into worlds for all eyes to see and minds to read.

greaaaaaaatt.

be grateful, be thankful, be appreciative of my chances and stop being such a bitch. rawRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

always feels like I'm overlooking something, forgetting something important that I wanted to do, that I set out to do, and I feel blind. all the cheerful, happy, optimistic things seem to vanish quicker than anything. stop angsting around, procrastinating, shirking, just stop being so wishy-washy. stop being angry!!!

wake up wake up wake up
what's wrong with you
I should never let emotions take over me, especially not anger.
I have so many chances ahead, so many futures, but which one do I actually want?

and that drives me crazy.
absolutely crazy.

-*

ra, the sun!

2007-02-08T17:01:00.000-05:00

oh I have never loved the sun so much.
great way to get skin cancer tho. haha!

its a wonderfully sunny day today. YAY.
cold, but still cheery and sweet.

and yes it's always about me. I'm always thinking about me.
what should I be thinking of? perhaps world peace. peachy.

I feel comfortable being alone sometimes.
no, I'm not ready to share what I'm thinking -
because I don't know what I am thinking, really.

sorting out this jumble tumble of words and emotions, detached passion and aloof concern, moans and groans in my head come up with something sensible. something to fight procrastination with, something to move forward with. I want to take some action to relieve some of this pressure, of wanting to do so many things and letting fear getting the better of me. what the hell? but there are so many things I could do and they are all so equally important! (like, homework, duh?) and I should slap my own wrists for slacking off as an alternative. (the tetris monster...) because it ain't the solution. stop wishing and do something, make it real, dare to move, breathe and live.

there's got to be more to this angsting around, I feel like a wimpy teenager again.
oh, but who said I grew up?

-*

i've got twenty-five bucks and a cracker do you think its enough

2007-02-07T22:20:00.000-05:00

to get us there

today is one of those days I really can't stand myself. I'm so annoying. I hate myself.
and it makes me wish I could hide in my room so I would stop acting in such a lousy way, whining away even when I know that makes me even more annoying. and annoyed. so I have this urge to run away, hide where no one can see and hear, so you wouldn't have to see the ugly me. its disappointing.

in these jeans of his

ok shut up and get over it. life sucks, take drugs!!!
only I don't wanna get fat and therefore, must resist that happy drug called chocolate. [ah this freakish obsession with fat, why can't I just get over the damn thing?] wishing I could just disappear into the background - don't notice me, don't see me, don't hear me - and sort myself out.

yes I'm still scared because this is how I ruined it
because I didn't do enough
and I got lost
it is a never ending drag of trying to define myself then throwing it all back in my own face by refusing to be defined

what a contradiction.

with her name still on it

I feel chilly and cold inside, like I'm not worth anything, questioning and questioning why am I here, why do I do what I do and what do I want from what I do? I think I left behind the flame called passion that previously was channeled into band and the music, along with too many memories that I try to grip too tightly and it trickles away in between my fingers. motivation lies still in its grave, my body yearns to give the 100% but the mind just thinks, why bother? I want to seek a new thrill, a new passion, where I give my all and expect nothing.

the crazy cold weather let up a little this afternoon - it was sunny! and it actually contained real warmth - it probably says horrible things about the environment its supposed to be cold - it was a short cheerful walk from the michigan union to the undergrad library.
wish it was longer.

baby don't look up
the sky is falling

-*

sigh

2007-01-28T01:06:00.000-05:00

why am I mugging on a saturday night/sunday morning?
I really wanna sleep

part of me says that I should have gone for the SSA elections
the other part says that if I did that I would never finish my work
most of me thinks that I could have gone if I had not slacked so much on the days leading up to it
*procrastinates greatly*

ahhh WHY AM I SO BORING???

!@#$%

2007-01-21T15:16:00.000-05:00

1515
I feel brain-fried, slightly foolish, and horribly restless.

where is my amazon order? the tracking number claims for it to have arrived on january 3rd, but where the heck is it? bah so many things to do, to plan, to learn, to study, and to work out.

on the other hand vodka on the rocks is just shiok xD
but drinking always leaves me feeling abit foolish =because I always wonder if I deserve the high ;p

ok, enough smileys, get my sorry ass back to work.

damn!

-*

exhilaration

2007-01-14T00:01:00.000-05:00

what I'd give to push myself across the tar stroke by stroke, up the slope - stopping a while to stare at the horizon - before letting go and pretending to fly down the hill on my blades. the wet wind is blowing in my ears, and I have nothing but good company on a monday afternoon on a deserted bicycle track. here I am wishing I was back at ECP and out in the baking sun, attempting to terrorize the beginner's corner and instead being terrorized by the real pros (who are either to damn hawt or geeky imo), wishing I was with mabel and puiman. take me with you we would laugh at each other and scream at no one, and perhaps we can be kids again and no one would care - throw me back into the past - childlike lack of inhibitions, daring and unafraid of falling, learning and being proud of having learnt.

life is a day that never lasts for long

there's this ache in my heart and body that misses being out in the singapore night (or rather, in the dead of the morning), that wants to be out doing camp again and pushing my body out of its vain comforts. I miss the sheer exhaustion of completing three days and two nights of camp, the joys of the company and reluctance of parting. however, memories of camp are still tinged with regret - that catch - perhaps its time its undone. from sitting by the sea at the lighthouse, feeling so out of place for being such a pampered creature, to lying in hammocks and talking about the future, comforting insecurities with insecurities.

those two weeks of sheer madness alternating between camp and waitressing were the most painful yet enjoyable period of 2006 - intersected by my birthday which I didn't bother to celebrate but others did - and I am grateful. if you feel discouraged there is a lack of color here procrastination at a high, its effects creeping into my life and discolouring my perception. the tale of the girafagawaah and pet giraffe (yes, mabel, my brother is feeding it) that entwines different people in my life, still. so just say yes or no movies and icecream!

we live on front porches and swing life away

alright, I think the random monster has hit, and I shall not try to weave it all together, because it's ok as long as I remember.

gone - like yesterday is gone

-*

2007-01-11T17:21:00.000-05:00

am I not human?
oh yea, right, I'm anni. great.
there's probably a gazabillion excuses I could still give.
can I not be me? >=|

I miss being called anmin, and the times I still felt real while rejecting my middle name, instead of adopting it out of convenience and fear of people mangling up my name

sigh

a new year, another term of school.
I seriously need to chill.
and that's because I really don't understand why I'm angry at you being angry at me. is it fair? is it because I said I was sorry and I meant it and yet you were still angry? The only wrong I will admit to is - forgetting to turn my phone on loud when I told you to give me a call and I forgot to keep track of time being absorbed into my readings. I'll try not to do it again but would you please not make me feel like I was the worst person in the world just because I wasn't perfect for that moment or two? who the fuck doesn't get a few missed calls on their phone? I want to yell and pull my hair out, and my face stings where the salt got to it, because I was so frustrated I could cry.

and scream. I want some ice cream.
I want to go running in the rain and feel like it will wash me clean.
of course, singapore rain. and thats because

rain in Michigan really sucks like hell.
just snow, dammit, stop whining and slushing around already.
and the Attack of the Biology Drowsiness has started! [note to self: never sleep later than 1am] holy jumpin' cows, I could do with some caffiene, that psuedo happy mood generator. life sucks, take drugs, eh.

what I want to do this year?
I want to try and carve out an inkling of my future
so it is tangible even though still cold to the touch
I want to grow

only taller, not sideways, lah.

-*

artificial light burns

2007-01-04T00:11:00.000-05:00

dX: I've ordered 8-bit already, mighty little thing charging through the post into my mailbox, hopefully soon. are you gonna wait at the airport for me when I come back with it? ;p [never am I serious] did I mention that I love red? newness is nice. neat and tidy. my photoshop remains a white elephant on my hard drive... happy new year. bless the firewerks, were they nice this year?

facades.
of friends so far away, reading blogs can be self-inflicted pain.

of self, and the lack of trust.

no resolutions, just an empty heart.

what exactly is the difference between a diary and journal? interesting question.
yet again I still am not as eloquent as I wish, procrastination and self-censorship is the death of all creativity.

afterimages, and the lack of light.
sore deficiency of insight,
irritability of impatience.

I wish

for

a big pink bunny eraser.

-*

little buildings

2006-12-22T22:45:00.000-05:00

exams have finally ended, and I'm happy with my 4.00 GPA. I'm not trying to brag but I'm kind of happy with myself :) I've never gotten A's this often in JC and chemistry is still fun, after all. does wonders for self-esteem. ah screw it.

freedom! sort of.
the two days immediately after end of exams was spent much in a passive daze, catching up on my anime/manga/gaming-deficit heh and junking myself out. all hail the couch potato.

and in the midst of the slight boredom was this nostalgia. one of the reasons I don't blogsurf often is because I learn of others lives. and I know it sounds ridiculous - it makes me want to be there and be part of their lives, and it sucks even more when you are half the world away. people talking about friends and gatherings - and oh fuck I just wish I was there. its not like I'm not happy with the people around me, or that I am unsatisfied and ungrateful for being able to come so far. missing home I guess? selfishness, but close friends were always close by. spending time with different people all the time.

I need a passion!!! argh. and I need people in it. basically, I need something like band. where do I find that? perhaps I need to discover a new passion that doesn't just feel like an excuse.

I'm in boston right now, I like the atmosphere. all quaint and old. the worn sidewalks and cobbled streets are a nice change to the potholed tar roads of ann arbor. yes, I like boston! went on the Freedom Trail today, and saw urban wildlife - falcons are awfully pretty. not just pretty in the airyfairy way. its the predator-beauty. (this which reminds me of what my lgbt prof said about her r/s) I like predatory birds! walked around alot today, and tomorrow we're going to walk museums and eat dimsum and good food!

meh.

-*

happy birthday!

2006-12-13T14:51:00.000-05:00

happy happy happy 19th birthday to sirui!!!

acks, I'm 4 hours late. this is one of those times where I hate the time difference! and I realized I didn't wish you happy birthday earlier when you talked to me on MSN. I just got your package today, signed my name and date on the slip at the frontdesk - and realized, HOLY COW its december 13th ~~omgwtfbbqkthxbye~~ that its your birthday. I hope you'll like the card tho... when it arrives ;p

oh. and I am so pissed you spent so much money sending me MEIJI CHOCOLATES!!! yahhhHHHH!!! the postages overkills the chocolate! but so happy so happy so happy you sent them! its instigated some explosive epiphany on my part. argh. and it makes me feel so infinitely glad to have a friend like you and a really guilty and unworthy friend as well. because I ask what have I done to deserve this? because I always feel like I've been receiving and not giving enough. [one day I'll try to send some cheesecake back.] imagine me screaming my thanks all the way from silly cold Michigan.

cross my heart and die a girafagawaah, eh.

rawrRR

-*

mmm I like this.

2006-12-07T20:05:00.000-05:00

this is so funny. I'm creepy... hahaha.

something I don't understand.

2006-12-06T00:28:00.000-05:00

why does it seem to me that all the girls who are staying in Central campus this year, want to move to stay on North off-campus housing? guys who are engineers who stay North I understand because they alll can drive, a minority can't. and they are going to get cars.

right. so now I, one of the few girls who actually stay in North campus dorm and travel to Central everyday and stay there for lunch and dinner, want the convenience of food, coffee, classes right next to my bed. and I shall stop demanding a room to myself. I don't need a big room, it would only encourage me to expand my things !!!all over the floor!!! haha and myself as well. I don't want to stay up North unless my dad says I should save some money, because I can't drive, and even though I want to learn how to drive, I don't want to drive to school everyday! north vs central = $_$ and time = money how?

and THIS. when I need to keep awake to do work at night.

"Thank you for your interest.

We regret to inform that users using US registered IP addresses will not be
able to access our internet simulcasts at this time due to unresolved
copyright issues which are peculiar to the US jurisdiction.

Users with IP addresses registered in other jurisdictions will not be affected."

I can't even get my chinese radio station fix here. wtf ;_;
screw you america with all this copyright rubbish. ITS RADIO!!! wah piang eh!

-dies of psych paper-

-*

so. recently.

2006-12-01T01:28:00.000-05:00

bah humbug!

all I've been doing is study at the dude! or trying to. I hope in the end it was useful, because I am such a slow worker and often only respond faster when under pressure of deadlines [but that makes me feel abit crazy]

so many things due next week! I've been saying this for ages.
what else, what else? monotonous life is not interesting to write about.

well then, perhaps a little about relationships with other people. I always try my best to convince myself I really don't give a shit about what other people say, because they do it often without thought, and often they are people who really don't matter, but it still gets to me. and I also know that lashing out at a friend because of a bad day and momentary paranoia isn't fair, and I will apologize. I doubt no one deserves such a bad reaction from me. It is one of those arguments with myself about whether its ok to behave like a total bitch when I am pms-ing, just because. well, maybe I behave like a total bitch (most of the time anyway! haha), but its not fair to others in a sense, because they have done nothing that warrants such bad behavior from me, and I wonder if there could be any conscious control over mood-swings and such. to what extent are we really in control?

we were engaged in a discussion today whether should such a class like ours be compulsory for everyone, would it make anything better if they read our readings? about the history of homosexuality, how it didn't used to be defined that way, the politics among the community, how it is always men and always men fucking young boys and women in some, and lesbian politics on sex for this week's really 'this-way-or-the-other-depends-on-how-you-take-it' readings... the patriarchal society and the phallic symbol and power play, it's enough to stun a cow. a few of them. and we thought, probably, no. it would just scare the shit out of people. the way I see people around me react when I tell them what classes I'm taking, how was my day, what I did in class, wassup [hey, you asked]. but my friends can't speak for america, and sometimes we can't even speak for ourselves. so now how brown cow? its been a really gay day. side-whatever-ways.

today also marks the grand total of TWO times I've spoken up voluntarily during class discussion. [not asked a question] I never knew that such a thing could cause me to break out in sweat, my heart to pound like some panicked rat[well I probably really wouldn't know] and feel the blood, [oh wonderfully hot blood!] rushing up to my head and into my ears and it heightens my perception and the world starts warping at the edges. just psyching myself up raise my hand, open my mouth is like some freak show in my head. why? what do you call this?

oh goodness, I've spent way too long writing this. bah.
getting back to work,
your not-so-straight-but-not-so-queer-oh-really friend.

-*

rawrR!

2006-11-25T15:19:00.000-05:00

the monster learned how to drive today... a little bit.

-*

I really shouldn't blog this often.

2006-11-21T23:29:00.000-05:00

there's always something wrong when I blog often, because 1. there's nothing to preoccupy me usefully in real life hence the boredom 2. I'm -really- preoccupied by things in real life hence the escapism

hell, I don't even blog when I'm really bored!

colorgenics.

You seem to be trying to sweep aside the situations [like my impeding doom, the exam tomorrow!!!] (and maybe the people) that you feel are standing in your way. You are impulsive and apt to follow these impulses seeking to be involved in special or exciting happenings. In this way you hope to deaden the intensity of your conflicts, but your impulsive behaviour is leading you to take some unnecessary risks. Back down a little and remember 'more haste - less speed'.

Your situation is such that at this time it is essential that you resolve your inherent problems immediately.[yes like finish studying.] You are not listening nor taking heed from your many friends and advisers,[because I'm still typing this] all of which believe it or not, 'wish you well'. Most of your colleagues feel that your attitude is out of context - an attitude of recklessness and desperation. It is imperative that some solution be found, but whatever you do, think before you act.

You give the impression that you are a self-sufficient individual, pretending that you are stoical - indifferent to pain or pleasure. But this is not so, for in truth you are an extremely emotional person, one that may make hasty decisions and perhaps repent at leisure.[oh yea] It is time now perhaps to break the bond of detachment and become the real 'you' - the you that you would like to be.

Your inherent powers and perseverance are in danger of being overwhelmed by excessive stress. You have a great deal of resilience which is being overtaxed by the continued attempt to overcome existing difficulties but you are sticking to your objectives in spite of the intolerable pressure. [studystudystudy] After considerable reflection you believe that it is impossible to reverse the situation and so you would truly like to be free of it altogether.[thanksgiving break!!!]

The tensions that you are trying to cope with are a result of conditions which are really beyond your control. As a consequence of this almost impossible situation and not being able to get your own way, you are subjected to frustration and almost ungovernable anger. [no not really]You are trying to remedy the situation but the stress that you are experiencing is making the situation even worse.[this is making it worse, yes I agree] You feel so inadequate that you are not quite sure which way to turn. A good suggestion would to be to try to relieve the stress and anxiety by participating in some very active physical activity which will relieve your tension.[gym tomorrow! yes]

ah yes I'm neurotic.

-*

halloween06

2006-11-21T00:53:00.000-05:00

halloween @ trotter house
thats the photos. there are more that are still lying on my hard drive on their sides. too bad i'm gonna be like them, but on my bed soon.

had a good time. sort of.
lora scared the shit out of me int he haunted house cos she was screaming. many amusing costumes. and I had a clone. DAMN. sad eh. but I was happy cos I did what I wanted ;) and I still have more ideas to play around with eyeliner. hail that makeup. not. gunks up my face =\ special occasions xD kinky arm warmers. I like.

cheers to daniel for its his birthday. few hours ago tho happy 21st, you sure got wasted xD hah. I don't fancy turning 21 as a guy.

oh well.
back to work. read that gay article for that gay blue book exam for gay class. why can't it be purple, or rainbow book? well, it doesn't rhyme, that's why.

and I'm grateful you actually read me ;) thanks <3

I think I ought to send christmas cards hoem soon. christ.

-*

set adrift admist this flurry of snow

2006-11-19T18:26:00.000-05:00

its snowing outside! its past mid-november, oh wells. its pretty, but now its dark and I can't see it anymore. I'd still like to imagine this huge giant baby playing with styrofoam and plucking out the little balls of white and tossing them all over the place, putting them eventually in his mouth. hah.

here I am, sitting on somebody's couch, using somebody's wireless, using somebody's headphones listening to redhotchilipeppers and typing a blog entry. when I have so much ~~damned psych~~ work due tomorrow. and I end up staring at this white space and wondering, what can I tell you? and what do you care?

not much, perhaps. ~~and even less because I'm so far away, because all I can do is shop.~~
everything for you, sometimes I doubt myself. always listening, because I am just like that. occasionally I feel like I've been taken for granted, this soft sponge, always absorbing whatever comes my way. sometimes I get tired and wonder and believe those 'don't leave' and 'I need you' are just selfish things. aren't they always? even in love and death.
this chicago trip has had a long and drawn out effect on all of us. how the internet provides such accessibility and stalkerish ability to both exhibitionist and info-hungry people. its nothing that can be helped, because nothing is ever private if in this world now anyway. even if you didn't do it yourself, someone else would do it for you. saves me some trouble, now that I have no choice.

now all that's left to do would be to write that check, and hope my parents don't flip when they find out, and I guess I'll just be some hobo because ~~I asked for it~~ I believe in what I'm doing. perhaps partly why I've decided against most of my common sense(that fights for group acceptance and against gossip-mongering) to travel to with him to tour east US because - once burned twice shy. the brightest side of chicago was meeting lynno and shawn :) but I believe I want to try something different, decide for myself, see what I planned to see and enjoy it because this time I feel more involved, travelling in small intimate groups. breaking off, much of what I've been doing, to see if something's gonna work out, before I don't have the chance and time to and let it die without fighting for it first.

what's up with my life?
studying is a chore, but it is ultimately satisfying provided I convince myself that it is interesting and it propels me towards skills that will provide a safety cushion or doing what I really don't mind doing. such irony, tho, I don't wanna think too much about it because it will get me nowhere. there are many things that I have done, and many more that need doing. I haven't been doing too bad for chemistry (o.O") and psych (however I'm screwing that one up right now) but that competitive streak sometimes kicks in and like, hell no, I'm never ever gonna be good enough. so keep trying and die trying eh?

what's down with my life?
I'm actually really worried about failing that LGBT class. argh. must fight for class participation! no reason to let such things hold me back ;p don't wanna look into the mirror and see a girl who is only suited to 'grow up' to be spineless and apathetic (which I think is just being overly accepting sometimes)

oh and american food sucks. bread butter pasta cheese erks I'm just about to barf! I want to learn how to cook and eat good chinese food, damn. I'll even eat veggies. I have also recently discovered that I'm allergic to seafood, too much seafood gives me blotchy swollen patches that itch like hell (never felt so damn bad) and a dreadful day (throwing up and running a fever), tho sleeping the whole afternoon was just sweet and fuddly-headed.

thanksgiving is around the corner. so what do I do?
say thank you, of course.
looking forward not to trying to unclog that monstrous amount of work due the first week of December during the free time. looking forward to just chilling and doing silly things like watch anime and playing games with somebody. perhaps. I wonder if I'm forgetting something important when indulging in all these guilty pleasures. never let it go unsaid just because I'm tired. like, go me! ._."

all this said while feeling guilty about not doing what I'm supposed to be doing.
work. dang.

-*

...

2006-11-06T01:34:00.000-05:00

like seriously.

money is evil.

and reality is cruel.

you just want me to come up with money right?
just take it.

but I'll never trust you again.
what a small price to pay to know who people really are.

rainy day

2006-10-12T16:50:00.000-04:00

yanzi totally rocks my socks! xD

yes, I shall talk about the damned weather here in Michigan.
I'm sitting here in Amer's, the place with the cheapest mocha in town(free wireless as well), and chatting with people online, watching people walk past quickly outside - smoking on their ciggies. Its 1 degrees celsius out, and its STILL fall. the scenery is hell beautiful (how can hell be beautiful? oh yes it can if you ain't a christian) the leaves are still green yellow and red, the branches are barely bare, and its snowing.

yes. ITS SNOWING!!! on the 12th of october 2006, its happily snowing!
I was woken up today by mingcheng's sms about snow, and I'm wearing three layers and my face feels like it might come off like a mask in the wind. I am so screwed in winter. someone help me.

ok I have class now, dinner later and movie! (doesn't that sound awfully like some date, but I protest) Science of Sleep at Michigan State Theatre, by the same director as Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind. really freakin chill.

-puts on half gloves and goes to class at 5pm sigh!

-*

sinking

2006-10-09T19:53:00.000-04:00

Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads

this strange wave of despair.
if you can see this, scream on my tagboard.
don't know what the hell to do when someone tells you he's interested in you.
when I've come all the way prepared to stay like I am, having nothing to offer but friendship.
I just don't feel alright, and I don't feel like having it hanging over my head ..
but it does.

sigh

and I also know people are talking and talking but I try to be cool about it, because it is not them who matter but the suffocating feeling makes my insides boil.
are you saying and doing these thing because I am one of the few who you can really talk to, be a friend? why must it try to be something more? why can't anything stay like the way it is?
I'm really tired keeping up with myself
and I don't think I have anything much to offer as a person
you are the one who's more senior, more experienced
I will always feel indebted, on the receiving end
and I ask my heart what my heart thinks
and I feel sad :(
because I don't believe there's anyone for me
and I am not for anybody

dancing on a high, dark shadows playing across faces
always tired eyes hidden away
what I search for is still far away
persistance
confusion
and I am still lost

what goes on with my life?
school, recently exams, and people.
oh my goodness I miss my closest friends.
listening to band music brings back this inner peace, but does not quell the waves of nostalgia and longing to b e back home. if only I could listen to the sound of silence, let it deafen me and believe that ignorance is bliss.

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
To show me a garden that's bursting into life

-*

charging

2006-10-03T02:46:00.000-04:00

I wonder if it is the empowerment that makes up the 'butch'. to have similar privileges as men, but they are still women.

~~fuck~~ damn this headache, I'm going to bed. I think I hear my body screaming.
but I do hate this dependent part of me who needs people all the time. ~~grow up.~~ I am me, and I may not be who you want me to be, or who you think I should be, and I should not pretend to be who I am not, or who I think you think I should be, because that is just plained fucked up. and I bloody hell hate this feeling and emotions that tell me I'm falling into like, but I know it will never work because it has already been denied, the notion rejected. because I would like to keep it platonic, but the needy annoying part of me longs for more. fuck that. because I want good friends, not empty hopes. I want someone I can ramble to, feel absolutely secure of our friendship, and never judging each other [well maybe not never] for things that are on the surface. I try to convince myself to stop being a fool and to believe that there is no one for me, because I don't deserve it. that I should have motivations, goals, other parts of me that needs to be fufilled by a career and self achievements. I want to make myself good. good enough. such a draggy story. I want to be glad I'm alive and I can still FEEL emotions. feel happy, feel sad. and feel appreciation, act on appreciation. BE A BETTER PERSON. remembering ms ong and her lessons.

sleep time. -yawn-

-*

wake me up when september ends

2006-10-01T20:59:00.000-04:00

you're a girl with attitude, you wanna do what you feel like doing
regardless of what other people say, you dont want to be governed
and thats a rocker I say

and I thank you from the bottom of my heart
for being my friend even when I sound so resentful

cross my dang heart and die a girafagawaah!

-*

band-aid

2006-10-01T16:07:00.000-04:00

draft one

The school seems to be bursting at its seams in between classes, with students transiting from class to class, the excited sounds of greetings between friends who have probably met an hour ago can be heard throughout the whole length of the narrow winding staircases that creep up the sides of the building. Some students shuffle quickly through the throng, with a hurried but not curt demeanor. Old lecture theatre doors creak and squeak as students flow through them like people at a train station, chairs scrape the floor as others settle into their classrooms. Sometimes doors are shut with a bang, and a quiet falls over the campus as afternoon classes resume again.

At the intersection between the largest lecture theatre in our campus and the block of classrooms, a steep and narrow flight of stairs lead down to a little alcove hidden away from view of casual passersby. This ‘little hole in the wall’, as we band members term it, is our band room, exclusive to the members of the school symphonic band and sometimes close friends of band members. On a warm Wednesday afternoon, the warbling sound of a trumpet attempting the scales on a cold instrument can be heard when classes have yet to end. The shaky scales soon gain confidence as our trumpet player warms up, and in a short time, strong and familiar melodies are joined by the voices in our heads. In our ears and mind, it was the anticipation of a good afternoon practice to come, but to the others, it was simply noise. By ‘our’ and ‘we’, I refer to the other band members who are still in our classes, and by ‘Others’, I refer to the other students in the school who are not involved in our band activities. I term it as such because we band members appear to be an exclusive community of our own within the performing groups in our school, and the band room is our common gathering ground. Our devotion to our second home is often met with bewilderment as to why such a place would hold such a dear place in our hearts. To us, it is cozy, homely and beautiful, but to them it is dilapidated and unappealing, perhaps just like the rest of the old school campus that has been around for twenty odd years.

The alcove is actually the entrance to the band room, with an old sofa stuffed into the dark and dusty crook underneath the stairs, the stuffing of its cushions visible through the many perforations of its leather skin. Who knows how much dirt and dust has accumulated in the corner and what animals has made its nest in the sofa? Other students, even when invited, decline to have a seat, regarding it with disdain. However before every band practice and in between classes, it is not surprising to find a band member or two relaxing in it. To us, it is a common practice to peer down into the alcove to see if we find a familiar face taking a break from the rest of the school crowd. It may be dirty but we do not seem to care. The sloping bottom of the stairs is marked by generations of band members scribbling their thoughts and inspirations, random complaints of a bad day at school. Some of us spend time figuring out which song those faded lyrics belonged to, compared handwritings and added our own with much enthusiasm.

The tall black doors to the band room are set in the wall of the alcove, revealing a double set of doors within. Immediately to the left is our store room, the place where we store our instruments between practice sessions. It is a long and narrow room that could, at the stretched definition of comfort, accommodate the movement of two medium sized people dallying about their routines. It is especially crowded before and after practices when members are hurrying to get themselves ready for practice or for their trip home. It is most definitely not a place for the claustrophobic, and probably could be a fire hazard for that short period of time. The room is dimly lit by lights that cast an orange hue, and the tall wooden and metal shelves that line the opposite sides of the room hide years of dust in their bellies. Dark colored cases that sometimes lay scattered across the floor protect expensive instruments from the polluted environment. At the end of the room, probably the most obscure corner of the band room stands three metal cabinets that house the music scores that we own, cased in paper boxes in various stages of decay. A short corridor, which consists of two doors barely two meters apart, leads to the other entrance to the main part of the band room. This is probably the most detestable part to people who do not frequent our band room. However to me, I have always thought that it was a place where people were forced to come closer together, not just physically, but socially as we exchange our experiences during the rush and cultivate an atmosphere of unity. It benefited everyone because anticipating each others needs increased our efficiency and our coordination with each other, which is important to us band members whose main goals were to produce good music together.

My friend once visited me and another band member in our hole – we were always holed up in the band room whenever it was open and we were free. “The air smells like ammonia,” she sniffed. Being built into the underground, there are no windows in this space of ours, there is a lack of proper ventilation due to the constant air-conditioned state of the room, a result of the hot humid weather of Singapore. The first thing that probably hits others in the face would be the stale smell of a room kept in the dark for too long, while we are used to it. Occasionally screams and yells are heard by those above, as some of the weak-hearted scramble away frantically to avoid a cockroach that has come out of hiding to brave the shower of insecticide that eventually rain on it, worsening the musty smell in the stale air as the noxious fumes disperse. The soft wooden floor is scratched by metal chair feet that has lost its rubber shoe and dented by objects dropped in carelessness. Dark wooden beams that rise upwards to the ceiling are part of the acoustic installations play less and less of a role in preventing complaints that we are disturbing a lecture in the neighboring lecture theatre.

Observing from the conductor’s podium at the front of the room, a mixture of shiny and rusted foldable metal stands lie cluttered in a short and wide cardboard box that threatens to fall apart any moment contrasts the tall stacks of chairs on the right side of the room. At the back, rough and battered looking black risers that seem to have endured as many knocks and scrapes as a child’s knees displays many strange exhibits. There is a stray chair or two, and random huge stuffed animals left behind by seniors who feel the same way we do about this room, mothballs, loose scores and forgotten possessions that have been unclaimed for too long. To the left, percussion instruments are left in disarray by the whims of our percussion section, completing the general untidy and dusty impression we leave on visitors to our territory.

Yet despite all the mess, dirt and grime, we still see beauty in our band room. The displaced chairs tell me someone else has been here and I am likely to meet more people, the acoustic installations remind me of the grand pipe organs in concerts where we have performed and made happy memories with each other as friends and performers on stage. Unpolished but unforgotten trophies are lined up in unglamorous cabinets, a souvenir flag from a performance overseas hang quietly behind the conductor’s podium does not beautify the appearance of the band room, but beautifies my experience of it. The worn out cover of the band room gives it a rustic charm in our hearts, enhancing our experience of belonging to a community special and exclusive to ourselves. In time our juniors will find and regard our forgotten possessions as part of the place, and read the words we have written. It is a place where we alone feel like we own the place, where we spend time and make memories, but others feel left out of our private circle, being unable to see the same beauty we do.

Others will never see the band room through our eyes, to be impressed to the point of commending it as beautiful. My friends have often commented that they feel we effuse a hostile and exclusive vibe to non-band members. They are ‘outsiders’ who cannot identify with our feeling of attachment and love towards such a place. However, I am confident that in everyone else’s heart, they will have their very own ‘band room’; a world of their own, somewhere they are familiar with and feel like they belong to it and it belongs to them.

egg tart

2006-10-01T15:06:00.000-04:00

raison

2006-09-30T01:57:00.000-04:00

if everything has a reason, what is mine?

its amazingly hard to remember myself nowadays.

I actually dream about you, dX, at least from what I can tell by what I've written down in those half-awake moments of scant clarity. things I try hard to remember and internalize slip away from me like sand held too tight in my hands.

define: sexuality
perhaps one good thing about wiki and its editable contents would be that it reflects the general defination of the encyclopediad contents in the current society/ [do I love making up words] "Human sexuality refers to the expression of sexual sensation and related emotional intimacy between human beings." this one does seem to be less bombarded with complicated words that I have to google every other minute. some random thoughts on school. my exam question is cloudy in my head. I do want to do well for LGBTstudies. I want to be better at assimilating information into my simple-minded brain. this never ending fight to become more sophisticated, classy, educated. even tho I feel like I know nothing at all, I will learn something. psych is not what I thought it would be, but still its interesting. perhaps simple philosophy was what I was looking for, what a paradox. chem is just.. bombastic >_< euphemism for feelings I cannot express. being simple itself, is complicated.

rain does not smell and feel the same here. in singapore it pours and pours and its enjoyable to get drenched. you could call the rain here wussy, but the weather is freakish mad. inland geographics.

that empty feeling in your hands
ghosts of voices and piano keys in your mind
how you wish there could be something yet you wish there wasn't
to have the end in mind and
not daring to move
knots twists turns and it burns consequences and expectations
empty dreams and meaningless words
this comfort maybe a deception
but there is nothing that fits the lock

look up, smile
and remember

-*

patches in between

2006-09-21T01:51:00.000-04:00

I feel like reminiscing a little about what has happened so far since I got here.

It has been exactly 3 weeks since I took off from the warm comfort of home... I'd say I definitely miss the weather, my granny's cooking, and the familiar voices of family and friends. I miss the solitary feeling of chilling in my own room, with all its junk and easy conveniences. I miss the freedom of going out whenever I want to do whatever I like. But its going good here.

First few days was spent with my dad, and I went hyper after meeting the singaporeans, which I assume has left that oh-anni-is-so-cheerful impression on everyone again. [and annoying] but I discover its nice to have chums and girlfriends you can hang out with everyday and actually identify with each other. So many things to do and see. What I'd give to go and spend a day at ECP tho, rollerblading, or course.

First week of school started in quite a stressful way, being waitlisted is a horribly anxious feeling, and the dread of screwing things up hung over everything I did for quite a while. Being afraid of falling short of expectations, procrastination and this empty feeling at the pit of my stomach, with nothing but clouds between my toes. I actually got to class early!

Then it started getting cold, homework and readings piled up like rubbish does in your garbage can [what a comparison - blame dorm life!!!] I realize I hang out with some people more than others, and that social outings never seem to cease. Everything and everyone are only 3weeks fresh, or 3 weeks old. Sometimes to turn to a stranger next to you in line or at lunch to say hi and exchange niceties seems like an incredibly hard thing to do. What's the point of coming all the way out here just to miss home so badly? Still wondering why. Occasionally I go into bitch-fit mode and resent being labeled, called names, generalized. About not understanding each other and yet assuming to. sometimes I wonder why we spend all our lives trying to find an identity and fight so hard and bitter against labels. The sense of self is amazing. Sometimes I think thoughts about pride and affection and this craving for warmth and the idealistic dreams you dream of when you're so far away from home. That aside, I called some people back in Singapore recently, and with the cosmo staff its like, call one, get all... buy one get all free. wah piang eh. get jajah already. liyan if you see this get them to do it and call my hp ok. but I wonder why some people I want to talk to I can't get through.

Its now halfway through the week. With everyday it draws closer to the weekend, with every weekend it draws closer to having exams. But with every exam it draws closer to going home. I wonder if I will. Who knows I might stay here and work forever. I have to say, having even a debit visa card is a very liberating feeling. [even tho the money inside was not my own.] it just goes to prove that with money you can do so many more things, however materialistic it sounds, and however badly I do not want to admit it. cheers to online shopping!

its nearing 3am in the morning here, my toes are cold, but if they turned blue I wouldn't be able to tell, which is what is keeping me from painting my nails black as well... I don't wanna die!!!

good nights, and hello to tomorrow.
there better be more sun.
-*

going blue

2006-09-17T21:30:00.000-04:00

whee I think I'm currently high on coffee, blogging from the dude... whatever you spell it.

its sunday night and I discover I have an amazing amount of work to do.

and I'm actually happy! but why am I typing this entry... hee cross my heart and be a slacker! I'm not that keen about having class at 8am tomorrow morning... guess I'll be ammericanni and shower in the morning to wake myself up. hah. like. I'm gonna be a full time student tomorrow XD

been calling people randomly these few days, I'm kinda glad to hear some voices =) people! sign up for JajaH and call my US phone... my mic died on me today, strangely, so did Treepti's. must be skype or the dorm connections. blah. I miss singapore weather so damn much! rawR. the rain here is annoying, unlike singapore, it goes BISHHH at you, and stops. its keeps going here, all day.

double expresso with milk... whee

noisy neighbours in the dude -_-

girl.

2006-09-12T01:21:00.000-04:00

sometimes people leave me very confused. even though its probably me who started it, but I never meant that... I don't have time and I don't think I'm grown up enough for it.

are you gonna be my girl! bapbapbaaap

doesn't mean that it is a stereo type it ain't true

scratchcards.

2006-09-06T22:10:00.000-04:00

I'm sorry, this is not a winning card. Please try again.

somehow along the way I lost this
heart of mine and shut the door to it.

and I wanna try to remember the winding road in my thoughts and dreams, find the key, the trigger, the spark, some sort of enlightenment. a feeling of being solid and tangible, instead of drifting and being wishywashy, pishypushy. to know myself, why I am myself, why do I do this, and why I do not, instead of shrugging it off like it was nothing. there is someone I wish to be, but there is someone that I really am. its fuzzy and fussy. its about practicing what I preach.

would you want what you thought what you want if no one could see

what would you know?

-*

I don't understand you

2006-09-03T03:03:00.000-04:00

listening to music at 3am alone in my room with all the lights off is a really peaceful sort of existence.

I figure I'll never understand some things. I don't know how to try, sometimes.
I'll try to be a good student from now.
but you know.
-rolls my eyes-

sigh

keep chasing the sun

17347091778
-*

the strange homecoming

2006-09-01T00:01:00.000-04:00

I'm americanny!

I'm sitting alone in my dorm right now, listening to Yanni and feeling really strange.
my dad leaves for singapore tomorrow afternoon, we've been spending time together shopping and eating and arguing and visiting family friends... 5 days flew by in the very cliched way. its a strange kind of homecoming, you could call it. there's a picture of me as a baby with a family friend and pictures of my mom, dad, and grandmother tacked to the fridge of a family friend. its been 17 years! there's a story on how we left and went to singapore, involving me, my dad and certain events in china which I never knew until recently. its amazing that I was once so small! I've met with my parents' professors, they are really wonderful people. there is this feeling of awe. I had dinner with some family friends still in ann arbor now... and they [dad and friends] start talking about old stuff... and I just fell alseep on their couch after reading the local newspaper. [woke up with pins and needles]

The sky is so blue, the grass very green, the air clear! roads are wide and cars go really fast. food comes in supersizes, I can finally go straight for the S sizes in clothes [unless I'm in the junior department!] tap water tastes different here. I kept hearing the story of me demanding to drink tapwater in china [omigosh! ._.] when I just got there from america. and how I demanded cheese and peanut butter! well. I keep hearing from people here how I look like my mom.

tomorrow, or rather, later, I plan to take a walk around central campus. I find that living in North campus without a US phone makes me really antisocial and uncontactable! haha. I need to: 1. find out what books I need and order them online 2. find people to start a Tmobile family plan with 3. buy a plastic cutlery set [I realized I have no spoon or fork to eat maggi mee if I cooked it, only chopsticks o.O] 3. talk to more people 4. write down emergency contacts 5. email many many people 6. do my laundry [HAHA!] oh did anyone realize I have two number 3s up there... whatever

I want to own another pair of converse shoes! or sneakers. clothes here seem more durable [!] and worthy of its price here. unlike singapore. but I'm gonna miss summer all year long! I think I might need to be thawed out during winter. its only the beginning of fall and I'm getting cold. I hope to take many pretty photos. I have a photoblog. but. well. its so much trouble to blog actually, but its nice when I've get around to doing it...

wonder what to do about my major, my future... school starts next tuesday! chem classes, writing classes, hopefully calc III... like, omg, I think I'm gonna DIE >_<

._."

-
*

why am I afraid of being forgotten?

2006-08-24T01:21:00.000-04:00

sometimes it feels like your heart could break and never heal, but it would.
you wish you could be with these people always, but time does not wait.

I will just learn to look forward to the next time we meet again! argh, even if parting feels like crap, I've had so much fun ;p

-

not toeing the line

2006-08-16T12:05:00.000-04:00

the moment is over,

don't chase shadows anymore.

I don't think I'll say things like I regret choosing to go overseas anymore. I looked down on what I had here. I have no right to. and it just makes it harder for me to convince myself to do my best. which I should, not because I'm spending my parents hard-earned money, but because whatever happens in the end will be my own doing. and I must learn to be responsible for myself. am I a creature with no pride? am I shameless? a street punk with no respectable future? put aside your cravings to be cool and in the happening crowd, its not going to happen, ever. if I want style, its only gonna go so far. forget the material needs and reflect within myself. it gets harder and harder to do, because I run along with everything else. such a social creature, but is it a sin? the more I open up and commit, the harder it is to leave. but I know it was a good experience, I created good memories with others, and for myself.

-note to self: stop slacking and make stuff... this is your last chance.

蓝色的天空没有寂寞的感觉

-
*

countdown to takeoff

2006-08-11T15:15:00.000-04:00

today cosmopolitan bar and caffe had her official launching!

change of uniform, can you believe it, that beaded and sequined butterfly brooch cost 9bux. and suddenly I remb ms. ong telling us, only older women need loud and flashy stuff to enhance their outfit. and I am not old yet. hurhur. briefing and role-call... in the end things never happen like you plan it to be. I didn't do what I was supposed to do. I still don't know what the heck are some items on the menu, but sunday is my last day :(: working at Free Banana has been fun, even with the really sien period, but getting to know and be sure of the new[screwed up] menu is another challenge. sometimes I think about this - I'm not gonna see these people for a very very very long time, and I feel damn sad. and at a time when I start to view them more as friends than colleagues... [and I start shooting my mouth off at people] what to do? but if I think about it in the reverse way, how many of these people will I see outside work even if I am in Singapore? some sort of irony. but the bottom line is, even if I want to see em, I won't be able to until I come back. and by then, people will have changed, people will have forgotten, and will have moved on and made more important memories of other good times with other people. good things always come to an end [how cliche] and the only feeling a twinge of regret leaving when I start to feel steady and confident on the job.

oh, slap me, I'm angsting at half past three in the morning.
so long, and hope to see you again.
how sad.
but inevitable.

let loose
sing it out loud

and oh baby I miss you

- *

say it out loud

2006-08-10T13:50:00.000-04:00

whee. doing opening at work is tiring on an empty stomach. rawrRR last week le! need self control, must set priorities straight le... I'm not doing this for the money, I'm doing this for the challenge simply because joe said the previous girls who worked at FB quit after 2 days =O

today ran around town to look for wireless with boon. only nydc has free and usable wireless! 很好笑... bleh. and btw, paktor you head arh!

oh and omfg they put me in baits II! I'm kinda pissed. but something told me it might happen :( after all, not everything in life goes your way... I would be close to my classes :( maybe I should have opted for all girls dorm eh, so I'll end up in one defined dorma nd not play with luck... if its called luck ._." I feel lousy cos I think my parents will feel lousy and go 'oh no, now you have to waste time travelling around! can you appeal?' and I don't really want to hear them say that either.

wonder whats it like in baits II. so far away from everything... maybe it'll be nice. maybe.
I hope. someone send me the song wake me up when september ends please. sappy sappy angsty sounding song!

blek

- *

feelin' fresh

2006-08-02T14:47:00.000-04:00

-glares-

I finally did the maths placement test for LSA... it's been bugging me for ages. I think I'm that kind of person you need to nag at me in order for me to get something done ahead of time. I think I should improve on that... and that's where the guilty conscience kicks in. but shouldn't it be that 'sense of responsibility for myself'?
self-discipline, if that is what you call it, I think I need a damn lot of it. sometimes I really piss myself off.
they emailed me about international orientation. my citizenship is really screwed up. either that or its them at UofM. I hope I don't get held up at the airport or something on my flight. anyway, that email made me panic for a moment >=| it would have been a good experience to have gone for it because I haven't been back there since forever. I should have chased them for my orientation information when they didn't get back to me. maybe I shouldn't always think things will work out right. try harder next time. I had thought my parents would scold me for not following up, especially since the email said I would receive furthur confirmation, but I didn't. I -should- have noticed. I just waited around for others to do all the things for me. will I learn?

I'm still loving the fujitsu... my mom wants it bad o.O I don't know for what. oh yea, the battery life is longer than hers. don't buy lappies with built in batts, you tend to overcharge if you plug and play at home. ie. maple! I take my batteries out if I plug into the power at home [or have sudden standbys when I'm watching anime ._."] her fujitsu is larger than mine [sizewise] and the batt dies in half an hour. pffft. now that I have my vaio [my precious... xD] she wants to kop the fujitsu already. I wanna cut and paste the hard disk -_- sending files to myself thru msn seems slightly psychotic HAHA. good reason to stay home an reorganize my stuff and not work, meaning not see faces I don't wanna see... It does get tiring working with her, to be honest.

deviant: 'the reason' is a song good only for momentary dwelling in angst, after a while, I think I would like to throw it out the window and berate myself of angsting in the first place -___-|| nande???

music does change my mood uber quickly.

let me indulge you

- *

...

2006-08-01T08:46:00.000-04:00

tired. dad bought me a sony vaio from china! I think it costs 3k+sing. I'm quite amazed. He scolded me for having only 20+bucks in my bank account and gave me money to top up my farecard. feel so paiseh to have to ask for money, and kinda loved.

so many things to do.
time to quit working.

fook. I wanna quit work. being at the bar is fun. but I'm just tired.
and I don't want to care what other people think.
I want him to teach me how to do bar properly. I want to do something properly and feel satisfied with myself.

haven't been reading.

2006-07-25T11:32:00.000-04:00

I haven't been reading other people's blogs. Just flew through some links.

I feel like a shizo. Feel like a bimbo. So air-headed that maybe I could fly. I feel like I've forgotten how to think like me and how to write like me. And here goes this 'I've lost me so find me' thing.

-procrastinates-
I should start reading again. And sleeping earlier. And doing so much other things than the ones I'm doing now.
-____________________-"
oh shaddup.

PDPs. Pre-Departure-Party. wow there's an acronym for such things! They kind of depress me. You know. The usual shit about not seeing people ever again for a long time. But I -kind of- found out where people are going. So I know who might be relatively close. Maybe we should spend some holidays together =) winter breaks where I'm going to be turned out by the housing people at UofM and I WILL NEED SOMEWHERE TO GO! and keep me un-bored. That's really bad english now. I do proper capitalization on whims. I think I will keep some money away now to send people postcards from US. so please give me your house address if you love me. I promise not to stalk you.

I'm leaving Singapore 27th August 6AM on NWA. Everyone tells me its early. I think I'm selfishly glad its so early. 1. No-one will come see me off at that unearthly hour. It makes leaving less clingy and sentimental. [I selfishly make it sound like I don't think I'm coming back, but I am! I am! like next may so you have to celebrate my birthday with me HERE muahaha] 2. I don't have to sit around at home and feel guilty for not seeing people off. Dates pass quickly while I am obessed with me myself and I, my life. 3. I don't have to see people off and feel sad.
Selfish right? But my school does start earlier than yours... I think my parents wanted to strangle me because I'm just too last minute =) even my flight. I'm glad my dad's going to be coming with me, and I'll be checking into dorms when I get there. Would that save hotel room money? We'll plan when my dad gets back. He's so busy nowadays.

Thinking about work today. I'm getting short-fused at work, and it's not good. Think I need to chill, and look at it differently. Its work. I meet nice people, I meet annoying people. I meet sweet customers, I meet bitchy ones. Keep your cool, whatever goes.
And remember to bring your pen, demmit.

没有想起不代表忘记

- *

Class dinner by Joshua

2006-07-23T12:22:00.000-04:00

Today Joshua cooked us a nice dinner! Thank you Joshua!

We had potato soup, mashed potato, roasted chicken, duck, beef with plum sauce, egg with caviar... Chocolate cake! Nat made a blueberry cheesecake with rum in the topping. I wonder if I'm an alcoholic now... haha barely, considering I went woozy after one vodka and a tequila shot. I'm flying without wings! No redbull. haha.

We had a good girl talk consisting of puiman, wanhua, sheryl, mabel, nat, and ruiyang. Yes you wonder what's ruiyang doing there. But he's dajie. heh. I hope puiman cheers up soon =) meanwhile the rest were playing some loud game in the living room. It sounded loud and fun too.

I managed to find out where most people are going... except for those few guys who came kinda late. Karen is going to Princeton, Grace John Hopkins, Chau Yale and I UofM... WH would be in Canada, Toronto... That makes Grace WH and I quite close. We should plan to spend some holidays together!

-*

>.<

2006-07-21T14:04:00.000-04:00

Been working alot this week, 4 times. I must say I like working, because when I get home after work and sit around after dinner I just feel so damned useless. When I work I get to people watch and earn money. But even while working is fun... you just got to hate the weather it kills your enthusiasm and customers fight over the fans and the smoking area HAHA. Tired legs, occasional klutz-ness, don't know why I wanna go running still.
But sometimes I wonder much about the people. It is a business, it is a job. It's work. How personal should you get with it. I feel sad because I'm gonna have to leave, but they won't be the only people I won't be seeing for very long. I'm not the only one who's leaving, and who has left. So stop angsting around eh o.O
Mmmmm. I miss working with Joe and Boon!!! >.< Like Joe said [!!!], I miss the way he works and his witty and sarcastic remarks and the way he reads my mind =] and I like to talk to Boon!
andthewayhecallsmedarlingandthewayhesmiles=]
Now most of the time I'm either working alone outside or with Firdaus. Hah that madman who sings like mickey mouse =P nah he's funky. Now they are giving incentives for every beer we manage to sell... wonder what will happen, will it ever be quite that fair to everyone? The point of it is to promote individual performance, or what else? Ideally if there was a way to get everyone to work well together, but that surely turns out to be BS =] quote someone: 'bad apples'. But extra moolah so why not? It is a good reason to be more pushy about beer haha. Ooops.

Good things always come to an end >_<

Link

2006-07-13T08:02:00.000-04:00

Do you remember?
when you were young
there were doors you couldn't reach even on tip-toe
losing track of time, entirely lost and wandering
the path of the maze always ends up there.

I can't stop myself from subconsciously seeking out your smile
even now, nothing's changed, I still run after you

no matter how very far apart we are this feeling connects us.
even if a mischievious fate should befall us, it can't be destroyed.

somewhere, in the back of our minds,
we've all got it figured out
that the future we wish for is just beyond there
someday, on some bright sunny day, I want to show you
a time when the tools of war are no more.

this is a world going to hell,
where we can't stop from hurting one another
just by meeting you, I've lost all fear

I don't care how much this body burns itself out, it's all for you
I'll fly up, lily white, to the great blue sky to keep you safe

no matter how very far apart we are this feeling connects us.
even if a mischievious fate should befall us, it can't be destroyed.

I don't care how much this body burns itself out, it's all for you
I only wish that one day I can show you the world born anew.

-*