set adrift admist this flurry of snow

its snowing outside! its past mid-november, oh wells. its pretty, but now its dark and I can't see it anymore. I'd still like to imagine this huge giant baby playing with styrofoam and plucking out the little balls of white and tossing them all over the place, putting them eventually in his mouth. hah.

here I am, sitting on somebody's couch, using somebody's wireless, using somebody's headphones listening to redhotchilipeppers and typing a blog entry. when I have so much damned psych work due tomorrow. and I end up staring at this white space and wondering, what can I tell you? and what do you care?



not much, perhaps. and even less because I'm so far away, because all I can do is shop.
everything for you, sometimes I doubt myself. always listening, because I am just like that. occasionally I feel like I've been taken for granted, this soft sponge, always absorbing whatever comes my way. sometimes I get tired and wonder and believe those 'don't leave' and 'I need you' are just selfish things. aren't they always? even in love and death.
this chicago trip has had a long and drawn out effect on all of us. how the internet provides such accessibility and stalkerish ability to both exhibitionist and info-hungry people. its nothing that can be helped, because nothing is ever private if in this world now anyway. even if you didn't do it yourself, someone else would do it for you. saves me some trouble, now that I have no choice.

now all that's left to do would be to write that check, and hope my parents don't flip when they find out, and I guess I'll just be some hobo because I asked for it I believe in what I'm doing. perhaps partly why I've decided against most of my common sense(that fights for group acceptance and against gossip-mongering) to travel to with him to tour east US because - once burned twice shy. the brightest side of chicago was meeting lynno and shawn :) but I believe I want to try something different, decide for myself, see what I planned to see and enjoy it because this time I feel more involved, travelling in small intimate groups. breaking off, much of what I've been doing, to see if something's gonna work out, before I don't have the chance and time to and let it die without fighting for it first.

what's up with my life?
studying is a chore, but it is ultimately satisfying provided I convince myself that it is interesting and it propels me towards skills that will provide a safety cushion or doing what I really don't mind doing. such irony, tho, I don't wanna think too much about it because it will get me nowhere. there are many things that I have done, and many more that need doing. I haven't been doing too bad for chemistry (o.O") and psych (however I'm screwing that one up right now) but that competitive streak sometimes kicks in and like, hell no, I'm never ever gonna be good enough. so keep trying and die trying eh?

what's down with my life?
I'm actually really worried about failing that LGBT class. argh. must fight for class participation! no reason to let such things hold me back ;p don't wanna look into the mirror and see a girl who is only suited to 'grow up' to be spineless and apathetic (which I think is just being overly accepting sometimes)

oh and american food sucks. bread butter pasta cheese erks I'm just about to barf! I want to learn how to cook and eat good chinese food, damn. I'll even eat veggies. I have also recently discovered that I'm allergic to seafood, too much seafood gives me blotchy swollen patches that itch like hell (never felt so damn bad) and a dreadful day (throwing up and running a fever), tho sleeping the whole afternoon was just sweet and fuddly-headed.




thanksgiving is around the corner. so what do I do?
say thank you, of course.
looking forward not to trying to unclog that monstrous amount of work due the first week of December during the free time. looking forward to just chilling and doing silly things like watch anime and playing games with somebody. perhaps. I wonder if I'm forgetting something important when indulging in all these guilty pleasures. never let it go unsaid just because I'm tired. like, go me! ._."

all this said while feeling guilty about not doing what I'm supposed to be doing.
work. dang.



-*