so. recently.

bah humbug!



all I've been doing is study at the dude! or trying to. I hope in the end it was useful, because I am such a slow worker and often only respond faster when under pressure of deadlines [but that makes me feel abit crazy]

so many things due next week! I've been saying this for ages.
what else, what else? monotonous life is not interesting to write about.




well then, perhaps a little about relationships with other people. I always try my best to convince myself I really don't give a shit about what other people say, because they do it often without thought, and often they are people who really don't matter, but it still gets to me. and I also know that lashing out at a friend because of a bad day and momentary paranoia isn't fair, and I will apologize. I doubt no one deserves such a bad reaction from me. It is one of those arguments with myself about whether its ok to behave like a total bitch when I am pms-ing, just because. well, maybe I behave like a total bitch (most of the time anyway! haha), but its not fair to others in a sense, because they have done nothing that warrants such bad behavior from me, and I wonder if there could be any conscious control over mood-swings and such. to what extent are we really in control?



we were engaged in a discussion today whether should such a class like ours be compulsory for everyone, would it make anything better if they read our readings? about the history of homosexuality, how it didn't used to be defined that way, the politics among the community, how it is always men and always men fucking young boys and women in some, and lesbian politics on sex for this week's really 'this-way-or-the-other-depends-on-how-you-take-it' readings... the patriarchal society and the phallic symbol and power play, it's enough to stun a cow. a few of them. and we thought, probably, no. it would just scare the shit out of people. the way I see people around me react when I tell them what classes I'm taking, how was my day, what I did in class, wassup [hey, you asked]. but my friends can't speak for america, and sometimes we can't even speak for ourselves. so now how brown cow? its been a really gay day. side-whatever-ways.

today also marks the grand total of TWO times I've spoken up voluntarily during class discussion. [not asked a question] I never knew that such a thing could cause me to break out in sweat, my heart to pound like some panicked rat[well I probably really wouldn't know] and feel the blood, [oh wonderfully hot blood!] rushing up to my head and into my ears and it heightens my perception and the world starts warping at the edges. just psyching myself up raise my hand, open my mouth is like some freak show in my head. why? what do you call this?






oh goodness, I've spent way too long writing this. bah.
getting back to work,
your not-so-straight-but-not-so-queer-oh-really friend.



-*