testing testing hello.

I think I might have this :|

I bet everyone's thinking: You're just feeling sorry for yourself, it's out of your own incompetence that you cannot wake up early and sleep early.
I can wake up early, I just don't function coherently or efficiently until its 10 or 11am, and I still go to sleep around the same late time like 3am even if I woke up at 6am. I just don't feel tired when it hits midnight. In fact, when it gets dark, its like a brand new day.
I'm one of the only ones who sleep in class consistently in the mornings, and I feel like the worst crap ever whenever it happens. Does nothing for my self-esteem, really. What is it exactly that I'm lacking in the mornings? Food? Coffee doesn't help a single bit, I've noticed, because I fall asleep anyway.

Check this wiki article out, because as much as I'd hate to say this, I identify with it almost word for word.
Circadian rhythm disorder


It makes me hopeful that I might feel better about myself.
I'm not embarrassed by telling anybody how I have a serious lack of self-esteem, which I feel is kind of a paradox in itself.

smoke-filled corridors

I deal with stress and anxiety and anger by doing chores. Cleaning, wiping, OCD rearranging, cooking - I find myself cooking a complete meal the night before my worst exam.

Now I feel like I could build a fucking house.
Quick, send me to wherever they need volunteers. On the double.

So everything's OK because these red lines and dead skin under my nails tell me it will fade, like all pain will with time.

sigh

its happening again.

what I said I didn't want to happen again.
sometimes I wonder if it was like that from the start.
and as usual I have too much pride
I'm stubborn and selfish
I don't look or seem like the kind who has problems expressing myself.
I can type it out perfectly fine.
but actually saying it is difficult
I wonder, if its because it makes it all too real









I probably never really believed myself.
I wonder if I've ever felt anything since a long time ago
its cold inside here
where I think





if everyone demanded as much attention back from me, I would probably have no friends left.
and nope,
I really don't open up to people.

not at all.
there are a million things I might have to say
but silence is much easier
writing in circles
unraveling myself





when I finally have enough courage
no one's listening anymore

THUNDERSTORM.

I am INSANELY HAPPY.

how can someone ever miss the rumble of thunder so damn much?






It is a sweet, sensual, sultry growl.




oh, sexy.
absolutely.



-*

mmm.

winter break. school.
again!

mildy dissatisfied with math 215 being my only proper A, and human anat, biochem, physical chem A-'s... sometimes I think we ought to believe in A+'s if they were worth more points to my GPA. what is this. am I being too unreasonable with my expectations of myself? I really wonder about my "education", and what I'm actually getting out of it, whether I'm making this worthwhile always, and what I want out of it. have I been taking too many chill pills or have I been a stress junkie? I do some insanely stupid things at the most inappropriate times really, and I wonder what they say about me. not very smart and wise.

class in five minutes, but there's always michigan time and today my LCD monitor is coming so I can stop hunching over my desk and improve my posture. If it can be changed from all these years of lack of self confidence and whatnot. something about being unappreciative of my height. brick me now!


did I mention, idolizing pretty boys is a very dangerous hobby. VERY VERY DANGER. sigh~


-*

m&m's are running out

I hate myself.




for lacking in self-control.
HELLO MIN. WHAT DID YOU COME ALL THE WAY TO THE USA FOR?
because you wanted to learn some "life lessons?"


comfort zones and maturity, bullshit.

...


just a little bit more, dinner break's over already, still a little bit more... girl, you did psych before how can you make such excuses to yourself while you know when you are making excuses to try and rationalize your irrational behavior?



but seriously, I have been falling in all sorts of ways these days. falling. unhealthy obsessions and choices.


...

too much CRACK. pin. pikame. WHATEVER. stupidfanfictionhasmeinitsgripsagain. afterafewyearsofkeepingawaysoiwouldn'tindulgeinsuchfantasies
but somehow, I seek creative comfort. comfort in the imaginary - simply because it can't hurt me. I am always torn, two-faced [characteristics of the twins? or does it simply sound cheesy], flighty, restless... what should I do with myself?


stupidJEgaypr0nangst
crack: endorphins, sugar, caffeine.
unbelievably listening to NEWSjpop and not feeling like throwing up.
listening to old playlists and suddenly knowing the reason why I detest nostalgia - because it makes me insecure of the Present. I want to live in the Present, but knowing myself, I live too much in the Past. but if there wasn't a Past I'd be empty. believing, where does that come in?



half-filled vessels make the most noise.
BACK TO WORK, bitch.



I hate to admit it, but techno sounds pretty damn interesting music at times. or maybe you can call it lounge. IDK. IDC. laskdjaslkdjasda *key smash*
















-*