raison

if everything has a reason, what is mine?

its amazingly hard to remember myself nowadays.

I actually dream about you, dX, at least from what I can tell by what I've written down in those half-awake moments of scant clarity. things I try hard to remember and internalize slip away from me like sand held too tight in my hands.

define: sexuality
perhaps one good thing about wiki and its editable contents would be that it reflects the general defination of the encyclopediad contents in the current society/ [do I love making up words] "Human sexuality refers to the expression of sexual sensation and related emotional intimacy between human beings." this one does seem to be less bombarded with complicated words that I have to google every other minute. some random thoughts on school. my exam question is cloudy in my head. I do want to do well for LGBTstudies. I want to be better at assimilating information into my simple-minded brain. this never ending fight to become more sophisticated, classy, educated. even tho I feel like I know nothing at all, I will learn something. psych is not what I thought it would be, but still its interesting. perhaps simple philosophy was what I was looking for, what a paradox. chem is just.. bombastic >_< euphemism for feelings I cannot express. being simple itself, is complicated.


rain does not smell and feel the same here. in singapore it pours and pours and its enjoyable to get drenched. you could call the rain here wussy, but the weather is freakish mad. inland geographics.










that empty feeling in your hands
ghosts of voices and piano keys in your mind
how you wish there could be something yet you wish there wasn't
to have the end in mind and
not daring to move
knots twists turns and it burns consequences and expectations
empty dreams and meaningless words
this comfort maybe a deception
but there is nothing that fits the lock







look up, smile
and remember



-*

patches in between

I feel like reminiscing a little about what has happened so far since I got here.

It has been exactly 3 weeks since I took off from the warm comfort of home... I'd say I definitely miss the weather, my granny's cooking, and the familiar voices of family and friends. I miss the solitary feeling of chilling in my own room, with all its junk and easy conveniences. I miss the freedom of going out whenever I want to do whatever I like. But its going good here.



First few days was spent with my dad, and I went hyper after meeting the singaporeans, which I assume has left that oh-anni-is-so-cheerful impression on everyone again. [and annoying] but I discover its nice to have chums and girlfriends you can hang out with everyday and actually identify with each other. So many things to do and see. What I'd give to go and spend a day at ECP tho, rollerblading, or course.

First week of school started in quite a stressful way, being waitlisted is a horribly anxious feeling, and the dread of screwing things up hung over everything I did for quite a while. Being afraid of falling short of expectations, procrastination and this empty feeling at the pit of my stomach, with nothing but clouds between my toes. I actually got to class early!


Then it started getting cold, homework and readings piled up like rubbish does in your garbage can [what a comparison - blame dorm life!!!] I realize I hang out with some people more than others, and that social outings never seem to cease. Everything and everyone are only 3weeks fresh, or 3 weeks old. Sometimes to turn to a stranger next to you in line or at lunch to say hi and exchange niceties seems like an incredibly hard thing to do. What's the point of coming all the way out here just to miss home so badly? Still wondering why. Occasionally I go into bitch-fit mode and resent being labeled, called names, generalized. About not understanding each other and yet assuming to. sometimes I wonder why we spend all our lives trying to find an identity and fight so hard and bitter against labels. The sense of self is amazing. Sometimes I think thoughts about pride and affection and this craving for warmth and the idealistic dreams you dream of when you're so far away from home. That aside, I called some people back in Singapore recently, and with the cosmo staff its like, call one, get all... buy one get all free. wah piang eh. get jajah already. liyan if you see this get them to do it and call my hp ok. but I wonder why some people I want to talk to I can't get through.


Its now halfway through the week. With everyday it draws closer to the weekend, with every weekend it draws closer to having exams. But with every exam it draws closer to going home. I wonder if I will. Who knows I might stay here and work forever. I have to say, having even a debit visa card is a very liberating feeling. [even tho the money inside was not my own.] it just goes to prove that with money you can do so many more things, however materialistic it sounds, and however badly I do not want to admit it. cheers to online shopping!



its nearing 3am in the morning here, my toes are cold, but if they turned blue I wouldn't be able to tell, which is what is keeping me from painting my nails black as well... I don't wanna die!!!


good nights, and hello to tomorrow.
there better be more sun.
-*

going blue

whee I think I'm currently high on coffee, blogging from the dude... whatever you spell it.

 

its sunday night and I discover I have an amazing amount of work to do.

and I'm actually happy! but why am I typing this entry... hee cross my heart and be a slacker! I'm not that keen about having class at 8am tomorrow morning... guess I'll be ammericanni and shower in the morning to wake myself up. hah. like. I'm gonna be a full time student tomorrow XD

 

been calling people randomly these few days, I'm kinda glad to hear some voices =) people! sign up for JajaH and call my US phone... my mic died on me today, strangely, so did Treepti's. must be skype or the dorm connections. blah. I miss singapore weather so damn much! rawR. the rain here is annoying, unlike singapore, it goes BISHHH at you, and stops. its keeps going here, all day.

 

 

 

 

double expresso with milk... whee

noisy neighbours in the dude -_-

girl.

sometimes people leave me very confused. even though its probably me who started it, but I never meant that... I don't have time and I don't think I'm grown up enough for it.



are you gonna be my girl! bapbapbaaap


doesn't mean that it is a stereo type it ain't true

scratchcards.

I'm sorry, this is not a winning card. Please try again.


somehow along the way I lost this
heart of mine and shut the door to it.


and I wanna try to remember the winding road in my thoughts and dreams, find the key, the trigger, the spark, some sort of enlightenment. a feeling of being solid and tangible, instead of drifting and being wishywashy, pishypushy. to know myself, why I am myself, why do I do this, and why I do not, instead of shrugging it off like it was nothing. there is someone I wish to be, but there is someone that I really am. its fuzzy and fussy. its about practicing what I preach.




would you want what you thought what you want if no one could see



what would you know?

-*

I don't understand you

listening to music at 3am alone in my room with all the lights off is a really peaceful sort of existence.






I figure I'll never understand some things. I don't know how to try, sometimes.
I'll try to be a good student from now.
but you know.
-rolls my eyes-















sigh

keep chasing the sun

17347091778
-*

the strange homecoming

I'm americanny!

I'm sitting alone in my dorm right now, listening to Yanni and feeling really strange.
my dad leaves for singapore tomorrow afternoon, we've been spending time together shopping and eating and arguing and visiting family friends... 5 days flew by in the very cliched way. its a strange kind of homecoming, you could call it. there's a picture of me as a baby with a family friend and pictures of my mom, dad, and grandmother tacked to the fridge of a family friend. its been 17 years! there's a story on how we left and went to singapore, involving me, my dad and certain events in china which I never knew until recently. its amazing that I was once so small! I've met with my parents' professors, they are really wonderful people. there is this feeling of awe. I had dinner with some family friends still in ann arbor now... and they [dad and friends] start talking about old stuff... and I just fell alseep on their couch after reading the local newspaper. [woke up with pins and needles]



The sky is so blue, the grass very green, the air clear! roads are wide and cars go really fast. food comes in supersizes, I can finally go straight for the S sizes in clothes [unless I'm in the junior department!] tap water tastes different here. I kept hearing the story of me demanding to drink tapwater in china [omigosh! ._.] when I just got there from america. and how I demanded cheese and peanut butter! well. I keep hearing from people here how I look like my mom.


tomorrow, or rather, later, I plan to take a walk around central campus. I find that living in North campus without a US phone makes me really antisocial and uncontactable! haha. I need to: 1. find out what books I need and order them online 2. find people to start a Tmobile family plan with 3. buy a plastic cutlery set [I realized I have no spoon or fork to eat maggi mee if I cooked it, only chopsticks o.O] 3. talk to more people 4. write down emergency contacts 5. email many many people 6. do my laundry [HAHA!] oh did anyone realize I have two number 3s up there... whatever








I want to own another pair of converse shoes! or sneakers. clothes here seem more durable [!] and worthy of its price here. unlike singapore. but I'm gonna miss summer all year long! I think I might need to be thawed out during winter. its only the beginning of fall and I'm getting cold. I hope to take many pretty photos. I have a photoblog. but. well. its so much trouble to blog actually, but its nice when I've get around to doing it...




wonder what to do about my major, my future... school starts next tuesday! chem classes, writing classes, hopefully calc III... like, omg, I think I'm gonna DIE >_<












._."



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