sigh

why am I mugging on a saturday night/sunday morning?
I really wanna sleep

part of me says that I should have gone for the SSA elections
the other part says that if I did that I would never finish my work
most of me thinks that I could have gone if I had not slacked so much on the days leading up to it
*procrastinates greatly*


ahhh WHY AM I SO BORING???

!@#$%

1515
I feel brain-fried, slightly foolish, and horribly restless.


where is my amazon order? the tracking number claims for it to have arrived on january 3rd, but where the heck is it? bah so many things to do, to plan, to learn, to study, and to work out.


on the other hand vodka on the rocks is just shiok xD
but drinking always leaves me feeling abit foolish =because I always wonder if I deserve the high ;p





ok, enough smileys, get my sorry ass back to work.


damn!


-*

exhilaration

what I'd give to push myself across the tar stroke by stroke, up the slope - stopping a while to stare at the horizon - before letting go and pretending to fly down the hill on my blades. the wet wind is blowing in my ears, and I have nothing but good company on a monday afternoon on a deserted bicycle track. here I am wishing I was back at ECP and out in the baking sun, attempting to terrorize the beginner's corner and instead being terrorized by the real pros (who are either to damn hawt or geeky imo), wishing I was with mabel and puiman. take me with you we would laugh at each other and scream at no one, and perhaps we can be kids again and no one would care - throw me back into the past - childlike lack of inhibitions, daring and unafraid of falling, learning and being proud of having learnt.

life is a day that never lasts for long



there's this ache in my heart and body that misses being out in the singapore night (or rather, in the dead of the morning), that wants to be out doing camp again and pushing my body out of its vain comforts. I miss the sheer exhaustion of completing three days and two nights of camp, the joys of the company and reluctance of parting. however, memories of camp are still tinged with regret - that catch - perhaps its time its undone. from sitting by the sea at the lighthouse, feeling so out of place for being such a pampered creature, to lying in hammocks and talking about the future, comforting insecurities with insecurities.

those two weeks of sheer madness alternating between camp and waitressing were the most painful yet enjoyable period of 2006 - intersected by my birthday which I didn't bother to celebrate but others did - and I am grateful. if you feel discouraged there is a lack of color here procrastination at a high, its effects creeping into my life and discolouring my perception. the tale of the girafagawaah and pet giraffe (yes, mabel, my brother is feeding it) that entwines different people in my life, still. so just say yes or no movies and icecream!

we live on front porches and swing life away




alright, I think the random monster has hit, and I shall not try to weave it all together, because it's ok as long as I remember.


gone - like yesterday is gone




-*

am I not human?
oh yea, right, I'm anni. great.
there's probably a gazabillion excuses I could still give.
can I not be me? >=|

I miss being called anmin, and the times I still felt real while rejecting my middle name, instead of adopting it out of convenience and fear of people mangling up my name










sigh

a new year, another term of school.
I seriously need to chill.
and that's because I really don't understand why I'm angry at you being angry at me. is it fair? is it because I said I was sorry and I meant it and yet you were still angry? The only wrong I will admit to is - forgetting to turn my phone on loud when I told you to give me a call and I forgot to keep track of time being absorbed into my readings. I'll try not to do it again but would you please not make me feel like I was the worst person in the world just because I wasn't perfect for that moment or two? who the fuck doesn't get a few missed calls on their phone? I want to yell and pull my hair out, and my face stings where the salt got to it, because I was so frustrated I could cry.

and scream. I want some ice cream.
I want to go running in the rain and feel like it will wash me clean.
of course, singapore rain. and thats because


rain in Michigan really sucks like hell.
just snow, dammit, stop whining and slushing around already.
and the Attack of the Biology Drowsiness has started! [note to self: never sleep later than 1am] holy jumpin' cows, I could do with some caffiene, that psuedo happy mood generator. life sucks, take drugs, eh.


what I want to do this year?
I want to try and carve out an inkling of my future
so it is tangible even though still cold to the touch
I want to grow














only taller, not sideways, lah.


-*

artificial light burns

dX: I've ordered 8-bit already, mighty little thing charging through the post into my mailbox, hopefully soon. are you gonna wait at the airport for me when I come back with it? ;p [never am I serious] did I mention that I love red? newness is nice. neat and tidy. my photoshop remains a white elephant on my hard drive... happy new year. bless the firewerks, were they nice this year?


facades.
of friends so far away, reading blogs can be self-inflicted pain.



of self, and the lack of trust.

no resolutions, just an empty heart.

what exactly is the difference between a diary and journal? interesting question.
yet again I still am not as eloquent as I wish, procrastination and self-censorship is the death of all creativity.





afterimages, and the lack of light.
sore deficiency of insight,
irritability of impatience.







I wish



for





a big pink bunny eraser.

















-*