rawR

this is what I hate to the damn core about new blogger - having to type my WHOLE email address in order to sign in. like, what the fuck, mate? what the hell is wrong with you? <_< no seriously, little things like this I just don't get. perhaps I just hate change.

angry angry angry but I shouldn't be so angry. bah~

I should be glad, grateful and everything sensible. but I'm not. and this blog is just where I take it all out, that childish, ignorant edge. where I wish it would all go away, but it doesn't, instead solidifying itself into worlds for all eyes to see and minds to read.


greaaaaaaatt.

be grateful, be thankful, be appreciative of my chances and stop being such a bitch. rawRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

always feels like I'm overlooking something, forgetting something important that I wanted to do, that I set out to do, and I feel blind. all the cheerful, happy, optimistic things seem to vanish quicker than anything. stop angsting around, procrastinating, shirking, just stop being so wishy-washy. stop being angry!!!




wake up wake up wake up
what's wrong with you
I should never let emotions take over me, especially not anger.
I have so many chances ahead, so many futures, but which one do I actually want?




























and that drives me crazy.
absolutely crazy.


-*

ra, the sun!

oh I have never loved the sun so much.
great way to get skin cancer tho. haha!



its a wonderfully sunny day today. YAY.
cold, but still cheery and sweet.

and yes it's always about me. I'm always thinking about me.
what should I be thinking of? perhaps world peace. peachy.







I feel comfortable being alone sometimes.
no, I'm not ready to share what I'm thinking -
because I don't know what I am thinking, really.



sorting out this jumble tumble of words and emotions, detached passion and aloof concern, moans and groans in my head come up with something sensible. something to fight procrastination with, something to move forward with. I want to take some action to relieve some of this pressure, of wanting to do so many things and letting fear getting the better of me. what the hell? but there are so many things I could do and they are all so equally important! (like, homework, duh?) and I should slap my own wrists for slacking off as an alternative. (the tetris monster...) because it ain't the solution. stop wishing and do something, make it real, dare to move, breathe and live.



there's got to be more to this angsting around, I feel like a wimpy teenager again.
oh, but who said I grew up?




-*

i've got twenty-five bucks and a cracker do you think its enough

to get us there

today is one of those days I really can't stand myself. I'm so annoying. I hate myself.
and it makes me wish I could hide in my room so I would stop acting in such a lousy way, whining away even when I know that makes me even more annoying. and annoyed. so I have this urge to run away, hide where no one can see and hear, so you wouldn't have to see the ugly me. its disappointing.


in these jeans of his



ok shut up and get over it. life sucks, take drugs!!!
only I don't wanna get fat and therefore, must resist that happy drug called chocolate. [ah this freakish obsession with fat, why can't I just get over the damn thing?] wishing I could just disappear into the background - don't notice me, don't see me, don't hear me - and sort myself out.



yes I'm still scared because this is how I ruined it
because I didn't do enough
and I got lost
it is a never ending drag of trying to define myself then throwing it all back in my own face by refusing to be defined

what a contradiction.

with her name still on it

I feel chilly and cold inside, like I'm not worth anything, questioning and questioning why am I here, why do I do what I do and what do I want from what I do? I think I left behind the flame called passion that previously was channeled into band and the music, along with too many memories that I try to grip too tightly and it trickles away in between my fingers. motivation lies still in its grave, my body yearns to give the 100% but the mind just thinks, why bother? I want to seek a new thrill, a new passion, where I give my all and expect nothing.




the crazy cold weather let up a little this afternoon - it was sunny! and it actually contained real warmth - it probably says horrible things about the environment its supposed to be cold - it was a short cheerful walk from the michigan union to the undergrad library.
wish it was longer.




baby don't look up
the sky is falling


-*